After an impressive year for the Houston Astros, their season finally came to an end last night as the result of the Astros vs Red Sox game in Houston. Wrapping up the ALCS series with a 4-1 win over Houston, the Red Sox now advance to the World Series to take on either the Dodgers or the Brewers. Fueled by alcohol and anger however, Astros fans took to the streets, desperately seeking restitution. Regrettably for the unfortunately-named chain restaurant, Astros fans across the city viciously targeted Boston Market.

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ALCS Anger Turns to Boston (Market) Hate

In what they are calling, #WreckBoston, loss-fueled rage swept across Twitter last night and was even the No. 1 trending topic for the Houston area. Presumably, Houston fans not only wanted anything with the word “Boston” out of their city but to take violent action against things that represented Boston in anyway. This resulted in the wide-spread act of Astros fans driving their cars into Boston Market restaurants. Boston Market appeared to be the clear target in what the Police are now labeling a coordinated attack. A single Red Lobster was also driven into by an intoxicated Astros fans with an astonishing BAC level of .225. Although he claims to have assumed it was a Boston restaurant, “becuz of da lobsr,” it is indeed a Florida based chain.

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“From roughly 11:30 PM last night till 4 AM this morning, exactly 8 Boston Markets were driven into by vehicles in the Houston metro area, as well as a Red Lobster,” said Metro North Houston City Police spokesman and local Panera Bread franchise owner, Shawn Ellinger. “Suspects have been apprehended for all 9 of these incidents and it is our belief that these were coordinated attacks through social media in relation to the baseball game last night. In unrelated news, the Panera Bread in Midtown is currently offering 20% off all seasonal sandwiches.”

Boston Outrage

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Red Sox fans across the city of Houston immediately sought shelter after hearing news of the attacks. In an attempt to interview a Red Sox fan living in Houston who originated from Boston, we were unable to find a single personal existing that matched that criteria. Instead, we were able to hold phone interviews with a few Red Sox fans in Boston. Although busy celebrating their win, some Red Sox fans felt this was an act of war and even threatened to never patronize a Texas Roadhouse again. After further research however, Texas Roadhouse is in fact, a Louisville-based chain with no real connection to Texas other than the name. Ironically comparable to the Red Sox fan base across the nation.

“I’d like to see them try to drive their cah through a market up here,” said life-long Red Sox fan and Boston resident, George Camuso. “Wouldn’t get very fah I promise that, they doan want this wuh. I took my mah to the Texas Roadhouse last summah on the way down the cape and their badadoes were hahd as a rock. Never goin back there!”

Although the targeted acts of violence have since ended due to Police closely monitoring social media all day, tensions are still high. The deputy mayor of Houston had no comment on the matter but did in fact tweet, “fuck Boston,” last night during the attacks. It received 80k retweets and 1.2 million likes.

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