A lot of great matchups across the board in the NFL this week. As the playoffs get closer, the stakes get higher and so does your friend Eric, who always gets stoned when he watches the games. You friend may not be named Eric, he might be called Philip, or Malik, or even Henry. it doesn’t matter. We all know that guy who gets himself too stoned to follow along.
The Bang Radio Hour podcast loves guys like your friend Eric, or Henry, or Malik, or whatever. Because they never remember from one week to the next whether or not any of these predictions are correct, and they usually bring decent beer.
As always, we encourage anyone reading this to sell everything they own and bet it all on one or more of these picks. If you win, you can have a movie made about your life starring somebody like George Clooney. And if you lose, you can still have a movie, but you’ll have to settle for Owen Wilson.
Arizona Cardinals at Atlanta Falcons
Rather than waste the whole weekend flying to Atlanta, the Cardinals stay home and mail the league a video of 2 field goals and a garbage time touchdown.
Falcons 30 | Cardinals 13
Detroit Lions at Buffalo Bills
NFL Fast Fact! The first game between the Buffalo Bills and Detroit Lions happened in 1972 and was dubbed “The Battle for That Little Spit of Canada That Is Between Detroit and Buffalo”. Soon afterward much more level-headed people declared it a stupid fucking name, and threw the man who thought of it into Lake Erie.
Bills 24 | Lions 20
Green Bay Packers at Chicago Bears
Green Bay Packers at Chicago Bears After a strip sack and fumble return for a touchdown, the creative Bears defense celebrates by trussing up Aaron Rodgers, stuffing an apple in his mouth and serving him for Christmas dinner.
Bears 36 | Packers 24
Oakland Raiders at Cincinnati Bengals
In response to OSHA requirements and to promote the NFL Player Safety initiative, the Bengals install reverse lights and beepers on all of their defensive players.
Raiders 30 | Bengals 20
Dallas Cowboys at Indianapolis Colts
Poorly conceived halftime touch football game featuring Cowboys and Colts players from their 1970 Super Bowl V match-up cancelled after it takes the surviving players 12 minutes to line up for the kickoff.
Colts 29 | Cowboys 27
Washington Redskins at Jacksonville Jaguars
In unanimous vote citing the Constitutional guarantee against cruel and unusual punishment, the US Supreme Court strikes down an attempt by Florida Penal Authority to force convicts to attend the Redskins Jaguars game.
Redskins 20 | Jaguars 17
Miami Dolphins at Minnesota Vikings
After realizing the Dolphins miracle win last week puts them over .500 on the season, Vikings quarterback and animated piece of cardboard Kirk Cousins changes theme of pre-game pep talk from “We can DO this!” to “No hard feelings, OK?”
Dolphins 27 | Vikings 22
Tennessee Titans at New York Giants
After a hard fought game comes down to the final play, viewers around the nation are disgusted when TV cameras capture Eli Manning actually pulling a victory out of his ass.
Giants 27 | Titans 26
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Baltimore Ravens
Explaining his controversial move as “just trying to give his team their best chance to win”, Bucs coach Dirk Koetter radically changes his game-plan by keeping his team at the airport in Tampa.
Ravens 34 | Buccaneers 16
Seattle Seahawks at San Francisco 49ers
San Francisco police announce they have detained the Seattle Seahawks defense as a “person of interest” in connection with the remains of the 49ers offense that were found in a dumpster behind Levis Stadium this Sunday afternoon.
Seahawks 36 | 49ers 10
New England Patriots at Pittsburgh Steelers
Amazing fact! If you combine the ages of both starting quarterbacks, multiply by the number of times they have faced each other in the playoffs, divide by the number of times each has been named Super Bowl MVP and then add the numbers on their jerseys, you have a completely useless figure that no one gives a shit about.
Steelers 38 | Patriots 33
Philadelphia Eagles at Los Angeles Rams
Surprising no one, “Philadelphia Eagles Miss The Playoffs” is currently 3rd on Pornhub’s monthly Fap Five top searched terms for December.
Rams 31 | Eagles 26
New Orleans Saints at Carolina Panthers
Monday Night Football viewers say they are disappointed but understand after the Panthers release a video at halftime saying they are sorry, but they are going home because they are tired and have to get up early in the morning.
Saints 40 | Panthers 28