My Wife Loves Bill Walton, Thank God.
My wife seems to have a thing for Bill Walton, and I couldn’t be happier. “But Dave”, you say, “shouldn’t you be jealous?” Let’s see. He’s much wealthier than me. He’s much, much taller than me. And his Q Rating is skyrocketing while mine hovers just below existing.
Nah, I’m not jealous. Yup, my wife loves Bill Walton, and to that I say thank God. Why?
BILL WALTON IS ENTERTAINING
Bill Walton won two championships at UCLA and another two during his hall of fame NBA career. “Really?” says my wife. Yeah, the importance she places on his playing days is about none.
You see, in the midst of pretty much any game, he’ll talk about ants, tigers, national parks, and Phil Knight – sometimes while disrobing. Other nights he’ll eat peanut butter out of a jar with his fingers, and ask the play-by-play guy if he’s ever been milked.
What does this have to do with basketball? Absolutely nothing. Which is why my wife loves it.
He’s even played the glockenspiel during a game. Despite the fact that he played it quite poorly, my wife enjoyed it immensely. I can assure you she finds much less enjoyment out of similarly unpleasant noises I make.
My wife actually cried laughing when Bill Walton decided mid-game to eat a cupcake. I should probably mention that he also consumed the accompanying lit candle. Undeniably hilarious. Though expectations are now a bit high for me on my wife’s upcoming birthday.
Her favorite has to be his banter with long time partner Dave Pasch. She literally keels over every time Bill Walton feigns forgetting Pasch’s name and asks, “It’s Dave, right?” She says it’s really funny because she is married to a Dave. While others say it’s really funny because, well, it’s really funny.
But here’s the thing: while I’m a huge basketball fan I must admit I love Bill Walton’s lunacy too. So that’s why I bite my tongue when my wife says, “They should just have Bill Walton speak and cut the game.”
BILL WALTON HELPS ME WATCH MORE BASKETBALL
There is nothing I love more than watching college basketball And because my wife loves Bill Walton, I get to watch more college basketball. If only his schedule completely overlapped with The Bachelor.
It, however, has actually gotten to the point where my wife gets aggravated when Bill Walton isn’t doing a game.
Wife: Wait, what? Where’s Bill Walton? WHERE – IS – BILL – WALTON?!
Me: Well he really just does PAC . . .
Wife: Oh my God! What is wrong with ESPN?! Can you give me one good reason why they don’t have him at every game?!!
Me: Yes, yes I can.
Wife: Well?!!
Me: But something tells me that I shouldn’t.
BILL WALTON HELPS ME GET GIFTS FOR MY WIFE
Until recently, the number of decent gifts I’ve purchased for my wife had yet to hit the integers. But that all changed with her Bill Walton infatuation. He designed a line of tie dyed PAC12 T-shirts stamped with his self-created motto: Conference of Champions. Turns out that’s a perfect anniversary gift. His autobiography – “the best Christmas present ever.” Just to be clear, her words, not mine. Yeah, I’m on a roll.
Last Valentine’s Day I was in a big bind because, well, I’m a guy and unable to remember when Valentine’s Day is until half way through Valentine’s Day. I needed something and somehow recalled, “Walton’s World” – his 1 min cinematic comedic masterpieces played during timeouts. Burned a few on a DVD and viola – cue up John Paul Young’s greatest hit because “Love is in the Air”.
I may actually top that soon. I’ve got a bid on Ebay for a Bill Walton game worn sock. No, she will not find that disgusting. Well unless she realizes that Bill Walton hasn’t played a game since 1987.
BILL WALTON HELPS ME LISTEN TO MY WIFE
My wife claims I rarely listen to her. To which I say, “What?”
But now I have good reason to listen to my wife. And that is because she constantly speaks in Bill Walton-isms. He has a plethora of catch phrases like his signature sigh of “Please!” There’s also “That just changed the fate of the known world”. “All I want is more of everything,” “I’m the human being I am today because of the Grateful Dead”, and, of course, “Have you ever been chased by a bear?” Yes, he says these constantly – as does my wife. She quotes Bill Walton more often than a 50 year old hacker quotes Caddyshack.
Dinner time is especially ripe. Just last week she saw our youngest daughter staring frightfully at a spoonful of peas. My wife immediately exclaimed, “Throw it down, big man!”
She, however, doesn’t always need an audience. As an elementary school teacher she spends quite a bit of time alone grading. Little does she know that I heard her going over some math tests: “You have to know to carry the 4. Basic fundamentals! Please!”
All of this is so much better than trying to listen to her talk about some movie on the Hallmark Channel. Or her mom’s arthritic big toe.
Usually.
See the other morning, she woke up, rolled over, looked at me and said, “It’s Dave, right?” Yeah that’s when I’d love to tell Bill Walton, “Take my wife.” But I’m sure he’d say, “Please!”
For more of Dave Barend’s spew checkout www.collegehoopshumor.com or find him on Twitter @collhoopshumor. There’s also Belly Up Sports’ college basketball page – lots of good stuff from my great writers there.
