The days are long and difficult to occupy. Sick of rifling through Netflix, I decided to close my eyes, randomly move the cursor around, and watch whatever it landed on. It landed on The Love Guru. I threw my television out the window. In these strange times one can’t help but wonder, are we headed for the weirdest NFL draft ever?
Having something like the draft go down on time would appear to be an anchor for normalcy. I’m not sure how normal we will feel on Thursday, though. The clock might get paused to reset a router. Roger Goodell might not get booed. We might catch a live feed of a 50-something general manager cursing about how he can’t get the dangfrabled kerjigger working.
With that in mind, I wanted to see how the draft would shake out if all of the first five picks are moved to new teams Thursday night. Will these be realistic projections of value and make sense everywhere for 10 teams? Absolutely not. The draft gets a few drops of Madden AI this year, and the picks are on the move.
Pick One: Cincinnati Bengals Trade with New England Patriots
Patriots get: 2020 first overall pick
Bengals get: Pick 23 in 2020, Pick 87 (Round 3) in 2020, 2021 third-round pick, left guard Joe Thuney
With the first pick, the New England Patriots Select Quarterback Joe Burrow, LSU
Bill Belichick moves up to number one to get a replacement for Tom Brady. Thuney wants a new contract that New England doesn’t want to give him, so they get out from under his huge franchise tag cap hit. Belichick coaches into his eighties, and he and Burrow win nine Super Bowls.
The Bengals cut Andy Dalton to make cap space and sign Thuney who pairs with Jonah Williams to anchor the line for years. Maybe quarterback Jordan Love does the Aaron Rogers tumble to 23, but more than likely they sign Dan Orlovsky out of retirement to secure the top pick in 2021.
Pick Two: Washington Redskins Trade with Cleveland Browns
Browns get: 2020 second overall pick, left tackle Trent Williams
Redskins get: Pick 10 in 2020, Pick 97 (Round 3 Comp.) in 2020, 2021 second-round pick, edge rusher Olivier Vernon
With the second pick, the Cleveland Browns select Linebacker/Safety Isaiah Simmons, Clemson
The Browns hope they get their starting left tackle here. If Williams can’t stay healthy, they cobble together something like last year. They get much-needed help in their two weakest positions on defense. Simmons, a versatile weapon, plays all over the field. Losing Vernon hurts, but with his health, there is no telling what you get out of him, anyway. No jokes here. Dawg Check!
The Redskins finally end the Trent Williams saga after an entire year on the bench. Adding Vernon helps offset the loss of Chase Young on the defensive side of the ball. They likely select Williams’ long-term replacement at 10. The extra draft capital helps a team that needs talent all over, until Dan Snyder realizes he can make a mint by turning the team into a mid-level management scheme. Imagine Adrian Peterson showing up at your front door, are you really going to say no to his Acai berry juice?
Weirdest NFL Draft Pick Three: Detroit Lions Trade with Minnesota Vikings
Vikings get: 2020 third overall pick
Lions get: Pick 22 in 2020, pick 25 in 2020, 2021 third-round pick, 2021 fifth-round pick
With the third pick, the Minnesota Vikings select Edge Rusher Chase Young, Ohio State
The Vikings trade quantity for quality, moving up to three and filling a void at pass rusher. The two picks were always going to be on defense, anyway. They pick up a receiver at 58 who probably should have gone in the first.
The Lions now get two first-round picks to help exceed the expectation of 18 wins over the next 4 years. They fail anyway. Matt Patricia gets fired next year and goes to Houston. There, he reunites with head coach/GM/human thumb Bill O’Brien as his defensive coordinator/assistant GM/Duck Dynasty expert.
Pick Four: New York Giants Trade with the Indianapolis Colts
Colts get: 2020 fourth overall pick
Giants get: Pick 44 (second round) in 2020, Pick 75 (Round 3) in 2020, pick 160 (fifth round) in 2020, 2021 first-round pick, heaviest player on the roster
With the fourth pick, the Indianapolis Colts select Quarterback Tua Tagovailoa, Alabama
The Colts decide not to load up for Philip Rivers, instead using him as a bridge while Tagovailoa gets fully healthy. With the deal in place, Giants general manager Dave Gettleman makes a last-second demand, “Throw me in oneah dem hog mollies!” Chris Ballard, obliges, adding a 360-pound defensive tackle from the practice squad to the deal.
The Giants add a ton of draft capital. Seems like a good deal, because they need help all over the field. Gettleman takes interior lineman with every single pick. The Giants change their logo to the face Eli made every time he overthrew a receiver by 10 yards.
Pick Five: Miami Dolphins Trade with San Francisco 49ers
49ers get: 2020 fifth overall pick
Dolphins get: Pick 13 in 2020, Pick 31 in 2020, 2021 second round pick
With the fifth pick, the San Francisco 49ers select Cornerback Jeff Okudah, Ohio State
This leaves the 49ers without a pick until the fifth round this year. For a team that went to the Super Bowl last year, though, adding a player like Okudah could feel like the last piece to put you over the top. Hope for a solid receiver with that fifth-round pick in a deep class. If one isn’t there, remember that it only took 27 pass attempts to score 64 points and cruise to the Super Bowl in the playoffs last year.
The Dolphins continue trading back until they own picks 27-32. All six players show great promise in year one and then are traded, along with every other player on the roster, in the middle of year two. Brian Flores recruits a new team from the tailgaters and goes 6-11.
Bonus! The Weirdest NFL Draft gets Weirder! Pick 13 gets Traded Again!
Dolphins get: Edge rusher Yannick Ngakoue, running back Leonard Fournette, 2020 ninth overall pick, 2020 20th overall pick
Jaguars get: 2020 13th overall pick
With the 13th pick, the Jacksonville Jaguars select Fullback Sewo Olonilua, TCU
Because why not. It’s already been with weirdest NFL draft ever.
