Earlier today, the Utah Jazz announced that every personnel member would wear hazmat uniforms during the NBA Playoffs.
After the NBA announced last week that their regular season came to an end, the Jazz qualified for the playoffs. But because this is the longest year in human history, most fans have forgotten what happened in mid-March. Utah Jazz players Rudy Gobert and Donovan Mitchell both tested positive for COVID-19. #CoronaSZN began following Gobert’s diagnosis. What followed was the canceling or postponement of every professional sports league in North America.
“It’s kind of our way of saying ‘We’re sorry’ for shutting down the league for four months,” said Jazz head coach Quin Snyder.
The Jazz have worked tirelessly for two months with help from Nike to develop a conceptual look for the new uniform. The Jazz hazmat uniform features Nike’s Cool-Dri technology made from recycled hazmat uniforms.
“We created for the Utah Jazz hazmat uniforms that not only keeps their opponents safe but also signals to the environmentally-conscious fan that we care,” said Nike spokesperson Sporty Youngster. A Nike executive later told Youngster that there were no environmentalists in Utah – only conservationists.
Ironically enough, Gobert and Mitchell modeled the uniforms for members of the media. The media members in attendance were placed in cubicles six feet apart with plexiglass barriers, even though many of them wore masks.
“Is this enough penance for shutting down the league,” yelled Mitchell, who was barely audible under the hazmat mask. “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?!”
“Man, I don’t even know why y’all are making me wearing this,” said Gobert, who moved about the media room while uncontrollably touching microphones. “Me and ‘Rona broke up months ago.”
Nike scrapped the concept later that day when it was revealed that the recycled uniforms had not been properly washed. As a result, half the roster contracted COVID-19, which forced the Jazz to forfeit the rest of their season.
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