Welcome To COVID University Class of 2024

(Proceeds from t-shirts related to this article will go to The FarmLink Project charity. See info below.)

Parents and students of the class of 2024: as president of this university, it’s lovely to see you on our beautiful quad. Although I have to come to you via Zoom on this big screen, the positive is it makes me feel like the Wizard of Oz. 

I’ll confess, all these books behind me, they aren’t mine – I grabbed them from the bookstore. Can you believe people pay $200 for some of these?

Anyway, I’ll assume you can see me, despite the fact that I can’t see each of you. Any reason why you are standing so far apart?

Well let’s get this thing started with a big “Woot! Woot!” Hmm, that sounded a bit muffled. Give it another try without those masks. Come on folks, the great and powerful Oz has spoken! Ok, maybe later.

Now the reason I’m not there in person should be pretty obvious – I don’t want to be anywhere near you. 

But please don’t worry about me. I’ve tested negative for coronavirus five times this week alone. 

Yet for some reason, my doctors think I may be the first person without COVID to have COVID brain. Makes no sense to me.

Maybe all the concern stems from me getting old. Yeah, I know your professors are old too. On the flip side, this is a great place to be a TA – they’re all one breath and pre-existing condition away from tenure track.

And I have to add that I’m elated looking out at all of you on campus, because otherwise we couldn’t charge you for room and board. 

Not that we wouldn’t try – just ask any upperclassman.

Now I’ve heard about other schools taking more precautions than us. Yet I’ve also heard presidents of those schools telling students, “Look to the person on your left and your right. One of you will not be here next year.” How can they be happy with a chance of survival at only 50%?

We also have avoided making the mistake of going completely online. I mean how could we continue to scoff at University of Phoenix?

And other universities are cutting the number of people allowed on campus. That’s just stupid. The more people here means more of a chance that someone gets the virus instead of you.

Then there’s the plethora of testing that most schools are doing. We, instead, are going to go by my life long philosophy: what you don’t know can’t hurt you.

I understand that some think that should not be espoused by a university president. What I don’t understand is why?

The dumbest thing some colleges are requiring is face shields to protect your eyes. You want to protect you eyes? Here’s an idea: close them! Granted that might impact your ability to get where you want. But it will assist in that goal of taking the road less traveled.

It’s not like we’re doing nothing. We’ve decided to consolidate our entire athletic department into one unit – the football program. So now the only thing we’ll have to care about is football. 

I assure you we looked at the risks with football, then looked at the profits with football, then forgot about the risks. And since we’re just going to play teams in our conference, the unsafe travel will be reduced by at least five miles.

In addition, we do have Clorox Wipes. Well, we did have Clorox Wipes. Do you have any idea how much those go for on EBay?

I will admit that we have poor ventilators. Wait, I meant we have poor ventilation. We don’t have poor ventilators; we have no ventilators.

Regardless, at least this year we don’t have to worry about Mono.

Bottom line: we are located in a small, rural town that has had almost no COVID cases. And yes, some people say, “But students come here from all over the country.” To which I say, we are located in a small, rural town that has had almost no COVID cases.

I know that some of you parents were torn as to whether to let your child come. And many of you simply figured that someone here must know what they’re doing. I like how you think. You are my type of people.

I’ve learned that many other parents concluded that the risk of getting COVID was outweighed by the negative psychological ramifications of deferring. Ha! No I’m not laughing at you. I’m laughing at my VP who thought I wouldn’t be able to pronounce psychological ramifications.

The thing is, I’m quite sure that when the semester is over people will be so amazed with us that we’ll be called COVID U. So I’ve gone ahead and had some COVID University t-shirts made for all of you – to buy. 

There are a few versions with different motto’s I’ve come up with:

COVID U: Get it? Give it time.

COVID U: Making positive people.

COVID U: We are not negative.

COVID U: We don’t discriminate based on race, religion, or viral load.

My favorite, however, is the one that includes my long-time mantra:

COVID U: We’re no safety school.

-The End

COVID U T-SHIRTS – WITH PROCEEDS TO CHARITY

If you liked “Welcome To COVID University”, odds are you might like an actual Belly Up COVID University t-shirt. Yes, they were inspired by “Welcome To COVID University”.

A percentage of the proceeds will be going to The Farmlink Project – a charity, run by college students across the country, to help those in need during this COVID crisis get food from farmers’ excess supply.

Just click on the shirts to go to the store: