I can already feel the hate coming toward me; and the love. Tom Brady is polarizing to fans all over the nation. Nobody seems to be arguing over his greatness anymore, and we have progressed to the crazy strong feelings stage of his career. Well, I am here to inform all of you that in the world of Harry Potter, Tom Brady would have been sorted into Slytherin. Here is why.

He Talks to Snakes?

Well, he doesn’t speak to snakes, exactly, but he does change the play in his own unique language. That’s kind of close to being a parseltongue, right? Nobody changes the play better than Tom. Just because he isn’t practicing for a local theatre production in the way he changes plays doesn’t mean he isn’t a master of it. Remember when LeGarrette Blount ran for a whopping 18 touchdowns in 2016? He was in his age 30 season and only averaging 3.9 YPA, not exactly setting the world on fire. That is a direct result of the parseltongue having the Patriots in the right play, over and over. Seems a little “slithery” to me.

His Entourage

Tom Brady’s best friend is a guy we refer to as Gronk. They even have a little show together. That’s so much like Crabbe. A big brute to handle your heavy work? Tom has five other guys like that too, and just like fellow Slytherin Draco Malfoy, his large bodyguards are not particularly effective. I have to imagine every one of Tom’s entourage is smarter than Crabbe and Goyle, though; they are professionals, after all. Ok, so he keeps the same kind of company? So far, these seem like possible coincidences, but the evidence gets more damning from here.

Dumbledore Said So

In the Chamber of Secrets, Dumbledore quips that Harry Potter and Tom Riddle, noted Slytherin, had a similar disregard for the rules, thus making Harry a fit for Slytherin. You cannot possibly over-inflate this statement from the great Dumbledore. Tom Brady flattens others in his quest for greatness at any expense. Don’t allow yourself to be deflated if you aren’t a Slytherin yourself because you wouldn’t get it. You’re probably a Hufflepuff anyway, you suck up.

He Perfectly Fits the Profile

The characteristics Salazar Slytherin valued most include leadership, ambition, and cunning. Enter Tom Brady. Minus his leadership, his old house has struggled mightily, as noted by fellow Belly Up writer Tayyib Abu in this column. Meanwhile, his new squad saw massive improvement under Tom’s guiding hand. He is determined to finish as the unquestioned GOAT, a sure indicator of his ambition. Also, he charged like $200 for his life manual (I’m told we can’t call it a cookbook, else Salazar himself will curse me). That, my friends, is one cunning Slytherin; a perfect trifecta of those traits. There is a trait, however, I intentionally left out…

The Nail in the Coffin

There is one trait common to Slytherins that makes this sorting undeniable. Slytherins are said to be self-preservation oriented. Come on. Tom Brady is 43 going on 25. His numbers are better this year than they have been since 2015. If Tom Brady is known for anything at all, it’s for his ability to combat Father Time. That sort of self-preservation indicates this man isn’t JUST a Slytherin, he might be the form Salazar has taken for the last 20 years. That would help explain some of the borderline “magical” stuff he has accomplished throughout his career. 

Do you think I’m wrong? Well, then I think you’re wrong. Let me know on Twitter @phicks7, and look for more football analysis at Belly Up Sports.

About Author

Patrick Hicks

Poorly practicing martial artist who grew up in a football crazed family. I enjoy all aspects of MMA, particularly Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. I also love football, particularly fantasy.

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