It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Sorry Andy Williams, we don’t need your overrated Christmas song until December, the most wonderful time of the year is this week. It is NFL Draft week, which means it is time for an NFL Mock Draft. No, this won’t be the boring, hundredth NFL Mock Draft you’ve seen. Life is too short to contemplate joining the virgins in the basement who wonder if Justin Fields is a one-read quarterback or if Devonta Smith’s hand size is too small. Do you think I want to bore myself and my esteemed readers with that nonsense?
Hell no! Currently, there are a million and one NFL Mock Drafts on the interweb. All of them say the same thing; it’s time to add a little bit of Belly Up Sports’ hot sauce onto this steaming pile of bland tofu. The following NFL Mock Draft is the ultimate guide to this week’s extravaganza.
Pick One – Jacksonville Jaguars
Urban Meyer and the Jacksonville Jaguars need a quarterback. Meyer wants a player who will be comfortable working with him, while Meyer also desires a quarterback ready to step up into the NFL. The quarterback needs elite arm talent plus the skill to throw off the platform. There is only one man who checks all these boxes for Meyer and the Jags. That man is Tim Tebow. After spending the past couple of years pretending to be a New York Met, Tebow will own all the skills to throw strike after strike. Patrick Mahomes was a failed baseball player, and he turned out pretty good. If Tebow can throw a 100mph laser, Jacksonville will herald a new era of Tebow Time!.
Pick Two – New York Jets
There are two things in play here regarding the Jets. First, does anyone really want to live in New Jersey? That place is America’s sweaty armpit. Therefore, players would wish to live in New York and then cross the Hudson into New Jersey. Not so fast; traffic in New York is horrendous. And how many times can someone subjugate themselves to hear, “Don’t you be frontin’, we all know you don’t have the cake to pay for it.” Apparently, that is straight out of the Oxford dictionary of Queen’s English.
The main point here is, who the hell wants to live in NY/NJ and wear that booger green that the Jets wear. Only a desperate player would take that; so, with the second pick of the 2021 NFL Draft, the New York Jets select Tyler Vaughns, wide receiver, LSU. Who? I don’t know, but he is ranked last on PFN’s big board. Mr. Irrelevant sounds about right for the New York Jets.
Pick Three – San Francisco 49ers
The 49ers are out on Jimmy G. The pornstar pulling, spiral throwing Zac Efron lookalike is no longer the leading heartthrob in San Francisco. Sorry, Santa Clara. Kyle Shanahan’s team must draft a new pin-up to pull the punters into Levi’s Stadium. No one would drive two hours to watch a team whose quarterback has a Manning face. Here comes Jonathon Moxon. Sure, the Varsity Blues season ended in 1999, and they never came back; it is a red flag. Moxon is very rusty; nevertheless, his chiseled good looks will draw in the fans, and it might bring Katie Hopkins to a game. Hey Katie, I’m single, by the way, and I’m way cooler than that goof who called himself Maverick. Jon Moxon is the perfect quarterback for the Santa Clara 49ers.
Pick Four – Atlanta Falcons
Anybody that believes in Matt Ryan taking the Falcons back to the Super Bowl must’ve experienced a lobotomy. Ryan is the Moleman equivalent for NFL quarterbacks. Atlanta must draft a dynamic, fearless person who will erase all the bad memories and make the monsters go away. The team is still terrified of looking behind the door. You know, the door that exists in every slasher movie. When the sorority girls open the door, the inevitable Grim Reaper is standing there with Walmart branded lip gloss. “AAAAAAAAAHHHHH.” That is the same plight of the Atlanta Falcons. The Dirty Birds must draft Mike Wazowski. Yes, he’s short, green, and only owns one eye; nonetheless, he can instill the fear. He will banish the 28-3 demons once and for all.
Pick Five – Cincinnati Bengals
The Bengals are the doormat of the AFC North. They idly sit there as the Ravens, Steelers, and Browns wipe their disgusting shoes in the face of the team from Cincinnati. The Bengals must get up and proverbially stab the opponents in the eye. Luckily for them, there is a man from Cincinnati who embraces violence. That man also wears a massive chip on his shoulder. He is, of course, Jon Moxley! The Cincinnati-born and raised lunatic embraces violence. I don’t know what position he’ll play; however, there is a strong chance of him piledriving Ben Roethlisberger onto a bed of nails. That’ll make the rest respect the Bengals.
Pick Six – Miami Dolphins
The Miami Dolphins must draft a big hog mollie to protect franchise quarterback Tua Tagovailoa. Last year, DJ Khaled sold his Miami Beach mansion. Miami must entice him back to South Beach. The father of Assad is the size of an offensive tackle. Therefore, he’s an ideal fit for the fish. Lastly, when he gives up sack after sack, he can get Tua to shout ‘Another One’ on his next track.
Pick Seven – Detroit Lions
The Detroit Lions fanbase is one of the most passionate and bizarre fanbases in sports. Any decision the team makes will infuriate sections of the fanbase. The Lions should draft the tight end, Kyle Pitts. Pitts is a great prospect; sadly for him, he’s a tight end. If the Lions draft him, Lions twitter will enter a meltdown of epic proportions. The pitchforks will be out, and I will grab my popcorn as I watch Jeremy Reisman and that impeccable mustache get heat from the 313 faithful. An NFL Mock Draft is certain to rile the Lions fans.
Pick Eight – Carolina Panthers
The Panthers are in the midst of a significant rebuild. Carolina traded for Sam Darnold a few weeks ago; the former USC quarterback gets a fresh start with a new team away from the armpit. Darnold requires help; he can’t do it all on his own. The Panthers should draft me. Why? Because I am the most prominent Sam Darnold apologist on the planet. Stick me under a helmet with some pads; I’ll protect that dude like the secret service protects the President. Outside of a violent streak, I own no real football experience. That doesn’t matter; in the words of TO, Darnold is my quarterback. I’m prepared to kick some goon’s ass to protect Darnold. Lastly, I once ran headfirst into a concrete wall for a bet; my most significant strength is that I am a moron. That makes me the perfect pick to protect Darnold.
Pick Nine – Denver Broncos
The Denver Broncos are desperate to find the quarterback that can propel the franchise back to relevance. With John Elway getting promoted to the arch overlord, it allows new GM George Paton to make the pick. That, in theory, is what should happen. Unfortunately for Paton, Elway is the archetypal football guy. He struts around with a voice like Vince McMahon, and he carries himself like he owns the most giant set of footballs God ever gave a man. Elway will intimidate Paton with his testosterone-induced bravado to take control of the ninth pick. With that selection, the Broncos select Mac Jones, the quarterback from Alabama. It ensures that Elway’s Bronco career will come full circle as he yells on the stage at Super Bowl 69. ‘This one’s for Maaaaaac.’
Pick Ten – Dallas Cowboys
Jerry Jones is a senile old man who is out of touch with reality. The egotistical one-hit billionaire is desperate for the 90s to come back. I get it; NSYNC, the Backstreet Boys, Friends, and Kenan and Kel were all the rage in that remarkable decade. I hate to break it to you, Jerry, but no money in the world is buying you a DeLorean to go back to the past. Like the Reverse-Flash, Jones got trapped in an alternate timeline. His only way out is to make peace with the football gods and draft HOFer Jimmie Johnson to come back and be the head coach of the Cowboys. C’mon Jerry; the world wants to see you grovel on your knees and take Jimmie back.
Pick Eleven – New York Giants
The New York Giants are one of the most recognizable sports teams in the world. Big Blue is one of the banner franchises in the NFL. The owners demand success. The new regime in charge of the Giants holds a ton of links to New England. GM Dave Gettleman is a Bostonian, while swathes of the coaching staff either worked or hail from that collection of cold states. These New Englanders are traitors. They’ve become plastic New Englanders. The positive thing for Gettleman is this; there is the most plastic Bostonian out there ready to get drafted.
This guy grew up on the mean streets of Southie; he also did time behind bars. Since his release, this man swapped Boston for the bright lights of Hollywood. He also walked out at halftime during the Patriots’ comeback over the Falcons. This dude got wicked soft in a hurry. Therefore, he is the ideal fit to join the Giants. Mark Wahlberg, you’re time is up! You are no longer a New Englander.
Pick Twelve – Philadelphia Eagles
Apparently, Nick Sirianni is challenging draft prospects to a rock, paper, and scissors game in the pre-draft interviews. He is subsequently forming evaluations on the results of those games. I’m not touching this kind of stupidity. There is no pick I can make that can rival that level of madness.
Pick Thirteen – LA Chargers
The Chargers require a ticket-selling draw. Nobody in Los Angeles cares about the team. They are a homeless team with no fans paying rent to a much more successful tenant than them. What the Chargers should do is find an electrifying, charismatic athlete for their team: an athlete that will draw media spotlight, fans, and the world’s eyes. California’s ugly bridesmaids must draft a bonafide superstar. Sidenote – don’t ever invite me to a wedding with ugly bridesmaids. Back to the NFL Mock Draft; the Chargers must look south to San Diego. Get Fernando Tatis JR. He is the most exciting athlete on Earth right now, and you’ve flipped the bird to San Diego natives before. Could you do it again? It’s not like you ever cared about the fans. Plus, you’ll make a ton of money as the Dodgers might put you on their payroll for neutering the upstart Padres.
Pick Fourteen – Minnesota Vikings
I experienced an uproar with a Vikings fan a month ago. My biggest takeaway was the following; this imbecilic franchise is now the most hypocritical in the NFC North. To that end, I’m not going to mock a pick for a moronic team like the Vikings. That ginger fool shouldn’t have come at me on Twitter. Take a hike Minnesota!
Pick Fifteen – New England Patriots
Bill Belichick is notorious for making draft picks from nowhere. The Hoodied Grump loves to find diamonds in the rough. We all know that Belichick doesn’t like football. Last year his dog made the draft picks. If we mesh his love for small-school athletes with his dislike of football and we end up in one location. Virginia University, home of the reigning NCAA Lacrosse champions. The Patriots must select Connor Shellenberger. With this pick, we’ll really find out if Belichick is the GOAT.
Pick Sixteen – Arizona Cardinals
Kyler Murray’s height will stop him from reaching MVP status. Murray can’t achieve MVP status when he can’t see over his Center’s butt crack. Subsequently, I suggest they draft Yao Ming. The basketball legend is a giant; he can carry Murray on his shoulders. That provides Murray with full-field vision. Yao Ming will make Kyler Murray an MVP level quarterback. Lastly, the fantasy production points could be off the scale with this duo taking the snap.
Pick Seventeen – Las Vegas Raiders
Da Raaaaaaiders are on the clock with pick 17. Las Vegas is an odd franchise with a funny owner and a wildman as head coach. The Raiders franchise is bereft of identity since they left Oakland. They’re just another team that plays in a trashy city where the casinoes are overrated. Plus, the drinks are a total rip-off; I’d instead drink Mike Mayock’s Kool-Aid. In his two years as a Raider, Mayock’s endured some troubling moments, while his draft classes have been suspect. Chucky Gruden won’t want another year of a mediocre batch of rookies.
In conclusion, the Raiders will select current NFL Network Draft specialist Daniel Jeremiah to replace former NFL Network Draft specialist Mike Mayock. It is the classic Raiders move, patch a band-aid over a big-ass sized crater. Hopefully, Jeremiah enjoys working with two unpredictable maniacs. Although he does work with Michael Irvin so, he should be okay.
Pick Eighteen – Miami Dolphins (again)
The Fins are back picking again in the first round. Miami aims to build a Super Bowl-winning squad. They saw their in-state neighbors win the title and then celebrate hugely. Tom Brady took one shot of a Shirley Temple that then wiped him out. The Fins need to raise the drinking stakes for their Super Bowl party on South Beach. The best man for the job is Nick Miller. The waster from Chicago is the ultimate drinking partner. Also, he is batcrap crazy, which makes him a good fit for Florida. Nick Miller is the spirit animal of many a waster, including myself. The erstwhile grump can top the Bucs’ boat party with an unfathomable soiree in Surfside. Nick Miller, Nick Miller, is a stone-cold killer!
Pick Nineteen – Washington Nicknameless Football Team
I’ll keep this short and sweet. Daniel Snyder is a grade-A creep. Any buffoon that decides to do what he did to former Washington cheerleaders deserves a kick to the face. Who better than new UFC strawweight champion Rose Namajunas. The next time Snyder or any of his creeps decide to make a young woman feel uncomfortable to the point of harassment, Thug Rose can kick them in the face. The Washington culture stinks; Namajunas can fix it with one big roundhouse kick.
Pick Twenty – Chicago Bears
Blending short and sweet with Nick Miller, we come to the Chica Go Bears. Bears fans are desperate for a franchise quarterback to save them from ignominy, finally. However, it is painfully apparent that the Bears own a distinct allergy to elite quarterbacks. Chica Go is the franchise that gave us Kyle Orton and Mike ‘Long Neck’ Glennon. I own more chance of dating Selena Gomez (BTW, Selena, I’m still here) than the Bears do of drafting a legitimate franchise quarterback. So the next pick is a no-brainer. The Chica Go Bears select Kyle Trask to be the quarterback of the future in the Windy City. Here’s hoping Trask likes deep-dish Pizza.
Pick Twenty One – Indianapolis Colts
Indiana is the most incredible place in America. The Hoosier people and their hospitality make it a fantastic location. The people deserve a winner, this place, famous for the greatest race in the world, needs another championship banner to hang in Lucas Oil Stadium. In this NFL Mock Draft, where I am the all-seeing, all-knowing, almighty power, I’m drafting Trevor Lawrence to the Indianapolis Colts. You can keep your cool cities like Los Angeles, Dallas, and Chica Go, the authentic city is Indianapolis, Indiana and those folks deserve a dynastic run in the NFL.
Pick Twenty Two – Tennessee Titans
For the last two years, the moniker of the most brutal bastard on the sidelines belonged to Mike Vrabel. The Titans head coach finally has some competition on the sidelines in 2021. Motor City Dan Campbell is rivaling Vrabel in the fight game stakes. Campbell is a fitter Vrabel; the Titans can’t allow the little old Lions to have the toughest son of a gun on the sidelines. Furthermore, the Titans brand is beating the living shit out of opponents. A Campbell and Vrabel tag team will terrify teams. That is the golden ticket for Tennessee. In this NFL Mock Draft, the Titans are opting for sheer violence.
Pick Twenty Three – New York Jets
I’m not doing another pick in this NFL Mock Draft for the booger green wearing Dan Hanzus supported Jets. NEXT!!!!!
Pick Twenty Four – Pittsburgh Steelers
Here is another easy pick in our NFL Mock Draft. The Steelers committed to Fat Ben Roethlisberger for 2021. He needs help, so the Steelers should select a lifetime membership to Curves and Planet Fitness. That tubby meatball must lose weight if the Steel City ever wants to taste championship glory again. Apologies, I used the word taste; my word choice should’ve been more tactful. It’s not the Steelers’ fault that tubby Roethlisberger likes tasting everything. Compare him to Brady, Brees, Manning, Baby Manning, Rodgers etc., and it’s a joke how overrated and overweight Roethlisberger is. It’s a slap in the face to the fans in the stands.
Pick Twenty Five – Jacksonville Jaguars
What is the point of the Jacksonville Jaguars? They are Florida’s forgotten child. Jacksonville needs a big-ticket signal of intent that they are no longer the forgotten child of the Floridian triumvirate. Well, it just so happens to be that Jacksonville plays at the base of All Elite Wrestling. And the team will need an offensive lineman to protect Tim Tebow, so with the 26th pick, the Jaguars select AEW and TNT’s, Shaquille O’Neal. The Real Deal’s build is like a 10-ton truck. This man will flatten opponents plus, who doesn’t want to see him locked up in the Oklahoma drill with a petrified rookie. Oh yeah, the cucks and beta males don’t want to see that. Well, they can take their complaints and shove them where the sun don’t shine!
Pick Twenty Six – Cleveland Browns
The Browns play at the Dawg Pound. Please hold onto that piece of information. Why? Because the Cleveland Browns need to draft Don Johnson. The man from Miami Vice is one of the coolest dudes in the history of TV. Due to him being so cool, you could bet that he saw a ton of action, on-screen and off the screen. Johnson’s love action, and they genuinely love Dawgystyle! That’s why it makes so much sense for the Browns to draft him. He’ll provide a new meaning to the Dawgpound!
Pick Twenty Seven – Baltimore Ravens
Everything I’ve heard about Micah Parsons suggests that he probably would’ve played an extra on The Wire if he didn’t play football. That critically acclaimed show took place on the mean streets of Baltimore. Parsons is a ready-made Raven.
Pick Twenty Eight – New Orleans Saints
The Saints are projected to own the 28th pick in the 2021 NFL Draft. That will probably change as the league will indeed strip New Orleans of their first-round selection because Jameis Winston and Sean Payton did a TikTok of them eating a W. Roger; you need to let bounty gate go. You’re already public enemy number one in NOLA; you’ll turn into the devil himself if you keep attacking the Saints. An NFL Mock Draft will soon be the only way for the Saints to make actual picks.
Pick Twenty Nine – Green Bay Packers
Aaron Rodgers is the fourth-grade playground bully. He destroys the usual bottom feeders in the NFC North; then he makes the jump up into high school for the playoffs, and like all bullies, he disappears. The Packers need to assist him in the OAP years of his career. I propose this; Green Bay should draft Eli Manning. The man with the forever confused face can demonstrate to Rodgers how to play in the postseason. It takes a particular type of man and player to perform in January. It isn’t Rodgers’ strength. Hopefully, a future Hall of Famer can show him what it actually takes. C’mon Aaron; you can’t leave football with the same number of Super Bowls as Trent Dilfer. That is the type.
Pick Thirty – Buffalo Bills
Jumping through flaming tables means only one thing. Mick Foley is the ultimate draft pick for the Bills. Next year, when they win the Super Bowl, he can get MVP Josh Allen to spear him through a burning table to celebrate the victory. Then he could throw Bill Belichick and Robert Kraft off the top of the Hell in a Cell.
Pick Thirty-One – Baltimore Ravens
The Ravens are back on the clock with another pick in this NFL Mock Draft. The team should spend pick 31 on an explosive, game-altering person. That person is the man that sells week-old Tacos, Burritos, and Chimichangas outside the stadium parking lot. That kind of food will provide Lamar Jackson with enough cramps to take a toilet break every game, plus the wind-generated should see Jackson rack up over 400 yards rushing every game. No nose tackle wants to put their nose anywhere near the former MVP with this ploy.
Pick Thirty-Two – Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Our NFL Mock Draft is now in the final pick of the first round. A famous Australian cricketer called David Boon once drank 52 cans of beer on a flight from Sydney to London. The short, fat mustachioed bloke is a Buccaneer in waiting. He can show the greatest quarterback of all time what it takes to handle alcohol. Finally, he’s Australian. That means every sideline interview will be full of swear words, and he might headbutt a referee after a flag gets thrown. Seeing those silly people dressed like Foot Locker staff getting attacked by a player on a Sunday afternoon is precisely what the NFL needs to stop people changing the channel to the Mary Hart show. No, Mary, I don’t want to watch you make your Craig Kimbrel impression. That game was torturous enough.
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