You are an average to below average kid in high school. You see the most popular boys in school always getting the popular and beautiful girls. These popular boys have dads that earned graduate degrees and make six figure incomes. These boys are swinging dicks bred from the loins of doctors and lawyers. The brightest and most handsome gene pools. You are none of those things.

Your father is likely another average to below average human being. You were bred into the gene pool of mediocre looks and limited mental capacity. You have slowly but surely built up a resentment for the life these other boys have lived and will continue to live the rest of their lives. You begin to make excuses for yourself and the other fellow losers you walk the halls with, as to why you could live an ostentatious lifestyle as well, if only you were handed it on a silver platter like those other assholes.

By doing this though, you have ignored one critical component to this equation. At some point, those fathers of those boys had worked their ass off to give that life of leisure to their families. Those boys have also worked their ass off to live up to those lofty expectations that come with being born into that kind of lifestyle. At one point or another, those boys and their fathers earned the right to be swimming in chicks and getting shit-faced on the weekends with their boys and the cheerleading squad, while you sit at home and jerk off to anime’. Congratulations, you are now the perfect metaphor for how the average American sports fan treats the New England Patriots dynasty.

Patriots Dynasty

Since 2001, the New England Patriots have been on a dynasty run in sports, to which the likes we have never seen. Sure, we have the Boston Celtics dynasty, or the UCLA Wooden era. To me, however, what the Patriots are doing in a salary cap era where the athletes are faster and more powerful than ever, is amazing in its purest form.

Since the greatest QB to ever play the game became the starter in 2001, the Patriots have won five Super Bowls in seven tries, have gone 209-63 during this span during the regular season, missed the playoffs twice, once at 9-7 2002, and another at 11-5 with Matt Cassel at QB in 2008. That also won their division 15 of 17 times, finished as a top five scoring offense 10 times including the last eight years in a row, top five scoring defense eight times, and made at least the conference championship game 12 times.


Patriots Jealousy

So why all the hatred towards the Patriots? Well the answer to that is simply jealousy. You see, since the dawn of man, humans have been petty creatures. People in general have a tough time accepting that they are only average at best human beings. That they possess no real special qualities. They have been told since birth by their mothers, that they are special and can be anything in the world that they put their mind to.

Of course, this concept of thinking is irresponsible at best, and clearly not a realistic way for anyone to live their life. No matter how many times I grab my nuts and pray to the football Gods, I will never be an NFL QB. I will never step foot onto an NFL field and play a down of football in any capacity. I have accepted this, which is why I chose to write about greatness, rather than be that greatness. I am limited in my ability to see over NFL lineman and toss the ball in a one-foot window, while making a pre-snap read and post-snap read in a split second, while the strongest and most fearsome men on the planet attempt to knock me unconscious.

Unrelatable Greatness

It is because of the above mentions, that your average person cannot relate to greatness. They do not have the mental capacity to understand that someone or something is great at something, and that they have no ability, whatsoever, to be called great at anything of measurable value. It is because of this inability to understand how greatness is achieved, that people will start to make excuses as to why this greatness is occurring for someone else, but not for them. With the case of the New England Patriots, specifically Tom Brady and Bill Belichick, that excuse is the Patriots “cheating”. Spygate, deflategate or any other gates these people can come up with, are a direct way for people to try devaluing the greatness that comprises the New England Patriots organization.

Get Your Story Straight

Most recently, the refs are now in the pockets of the NFL, and the NFL wants the Patriots to win. Yes, the same NFL that went full steam ahead on a witch hunt of Tom Brady for some deflated balls that had no positive outcome on the game for the Patriots. The same NFL that stole the first-round pick from this same New England organization. That same NFL that fined their New England Head Coach $500,000. The same NFL that fined the organization $1 million.

New England Defensive Coordinator, Matt Patricia, wore a Goodell clown shirt around the field for Christ sake. Yet we are supposed to believe this same NFL is paying refs off to make calls for the Patriots to help them win? I also hear that it benefits Goodell financially somehow to have the Patriots constantly winning. How does this help the NFL? In anything, it kills the brand, as it lacks the allowance of parity in the league. This causes boredom and unrest among the fans who are tired of seeing the same team win every year. So, in fact, the Patriots constantly winning the Super Bowl is the last thing the commissioner wants to see.


What people seem to forget that these “controversies” the Patriots are accused of, are/were widely used practices in the NFL for decades. Jimmy Johnson, former Dallas Cowboys Head Coach, was quoted as saying,

“This is exactly how I was told to do it 18 years ago by a Kansas City Chiefs scout. I Tried it, but I didn’t think it helped us much.”

Johnson would go out to discuss his irritation at other coaches and player’s reactions to Spygate, because he said it was a widely-utilized practice in the NFL, and that is why that same year, in 2007, a memo was sent out to all NFL teams to stop using this practice. Belichick was wrong for ignoring the memo, but to say it gave the team some unfair advantage over other teams is a complete fallacy. They were caught doing this practice during pre-game warm ups in week 2. They proceeded to go 16-0 and set every offensive record you could set, on their way to an appearance in that years Super Bowl. They would lose that to the Giants in the biggest upset in NFL history, so no tainted title there.

Deflategate was also another mouth-breathers excuse for why the Patriots won the 2014 AFC championship game. It was initially determined that footballs had been slightly deflated, which was apparently a major factor in a 45-7 blowout of the Colts. Never mind the balls being replaced at halftime of a 17-7 game, to which when the regulation inflated balls were used, the Patriots outscored the Colts 28-0 in the second half. So, when they replaced the footballs at halftime, the Colts got the shit kicked out of them even worse? No tainted Super Bowl there.

Let’s not forget that people seem to not care that Aaron Rodgers has openly admitted to over-inflation of the footballs he throws. How about the fact that players such as Jerry Rice, used stick em on his hands to catch the ball better? Why are these widely accepted, while the Patriots get half of their Super Bowl titles stripped by opposing fan bases for lack of morals?


Don’t Hate the Player

The reason for the hypocrisy is simple, and it correlates with the opening paragraph of this article. The average boy hates the exceptional boy for what he has and what he can do. Brady is that exceptional boy in high school, and Bill Belichick is that successful father other boys were jealous of. People do not mind advantages given when those advantages are given to average people they can relate to. Nobody wants the best QB of all time, with the best coach of all time and the greatest dynasty this sport has ever seen, to get any advantage over the average Joe’s. They are sick of seeing the popular boy (Tommy Boy) with the gorgeous smoking hot girlfriend (Giselle) shitting all over their average existence and constantly achieving the life they could not comprehend.

Time to Accept the Hard Truths

Deep down, every single Patriots hater knows two things. One, Tom Brady is the greatest QB this sport has ever seen, and this is not debatable after last year’s Super Bowl comeback against the Falcons. Two, that none of those “controversies’’ the Patriots have been involved in have made one damn bit of difference in their success. They are successful because they prepare better than any team in the NFL. They have a brilliant staff working tirelessly to find ANY small advantage they can, that the average micro-dick coach could not even begin to understand. I think it is time that the average American stops hating on the damn American dream they claim to want to fight for and start accepting that there are people out there more exceptional at life than they are.

Odds are, whoever reading this is just another average human being, and that is ok! In the words of Clay Travis, stop thinking like a mosquito dick loser, and start thinking like a dude with a big swinging helicopter dick. A helicopter dick man does not feel petty towards another man’s success. He embraces it and strives to achieve that same level of greatness. For the average human being, that helicopter dick mentality will be good enough to help you become average and fit into enough to get invited to your office fantasy football league. Which is better than being a mosquito dick loser praying for the failure of the all-time greats! Cheers.

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Brandon Sharples

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