Last month, Daniel Snyder – a pariah in the highest regard – announced the Washington Redskins Football Team Commanders were for sale. Between the in-house NFL owner politics, the harassment over changing the original franchise name, and not being generally liked by the fanbase, Snyder has apparently had enough. The supposed asking price for the franchise is $7B USD. That is the number seven followed by nine zeroes. With that kind request for an NFL franchise, one must wonder – and by one, I mean I – who has that kind of scratch to buy the team. I’ll tell you who: billionaire nerds because they basically own the world now. I’ll list the potential future owner of the Washington Commanders.
(BTW, the last time I wrote an NFL-related article on a Washington franchise was back in July 2020. If you want another laugh after this article, check it out here.)
Jeff Bezos (Net Worth: $195.9B USD)
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The first potential future owner of the Washington Commanders is Jeff Bezos. Bezos has connections with the NFL as Prime Video is the (almost) exclusive broadcaster of Thursday Night Football. Bezos made his fortune as the founder, CEO, president, and board executive of Amazon. He also is the founder of the space exploration company Blue Horizon.
Pros: loads of money, can use the Washington Post (which he owns) as a propaganda wing for the Commanders, can easily finance a new stadium in Washington, D.C.
Cons: prone to having affairs with co-workers, could erect a scale-sized phallic Blue Horizon rocket in front of the new D.C. stadium.
Elon Musk (Net Worth: $263B USD)
The second potential future owner of the Washington Commanders is Elon Musk. Musk is known as the quirky – if you want to call it that – founder of PayPal, Tesla, SpaceX, Neurolink, and Starlink. He also recently purchased social media platform Twitter. Musk as an NFL owner? Let that sink in.
Pros: allegedly has more money than God, the potential to livestream games on Twitter.
Cons: could also erect a scale-sized SpaceX rocket in front of the new D.C. stadium. Musk hails from South Africa, so does he even watch the NFL? Also, the potential for creating as much chaos as Snyder has already done.
Dan Gilbert (Net Worth: $26.6B USD)
The third potential future owner of the Washington Commanders is Dan Gilbert. Gilbert is known as the co-founder of Rocket Mortgage aka Quicken Loans. He also has some experience with sports franchises as the owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers and the Cleveland Monsters of the American Hockey League. Gilbert also owns several notable buildings in Cleveland and his native Detroit.
Pros: knows the ins-and-outs of the politics of operating a major professional sports franchise, real estate knowledge in selecting a downtown Washington, D.C. stadium.
Cons: may make his proposal in Comic Sans font.
Michael Dell (Net Worth: $59B USD)
The fourth potential future owner of the Washington Commanders is Michael Dell. Dell is the founder of Dell Technologies and is a well-known philanthropist. He was also the key figure in Dell’s acquisition of software storage company EMC.
Pros: enough money to finance a stadium in downtown Washington, D.C., well-connected politically.
Cons: would probably purchase the team, then relocate them to Austin, Texas. Also, would replace the Microsoft Surfaces with whatever terrible tablet Dell has.
Mark Zuckerberg (Net Worth: $117.5B USD)
The final potential future owner of the Washington Commanders is Mark Zuckerberg. Zuckerberg – or “Zuck” as the kids call him – is the co-founder of Meta, Inc., formerly known as Facebook.
Pros: again, another owner who could finance a stadium in downtown Washington, D.C., also well-connected politically. Could also offer a virtual viewing experience. At only 38, he’d be far and away the youngest owner in a group of old farts.
Cons: would purchase the team and relocate them to the Metaverse.
