Creating the Ultimate Fictional MLB Movie Roster

Everyone has their own favorite sports movie. If someone asked 50 random people what the best sports movie of all time is, you’d get 50 different answers. While it’s understandable that you can’t pick one definitively out of the countless out there, it’d be hard to argue one fact: Baseball is the best movie sport. All sports get their own movies, from football to golf to even dodgeball. Yet, most sports only have a handful of classics about their game. Baseball is basically its own genre, with the other sports just trying to catch up. The characters and quotes have their place in our modern-day culture. That’s why it’s time to create the ultimate fictional MLB movie roster, from players to coaches and even the front office.

The Rules

The rules for this are simple, the characters have to be fictional. It’d be easy to use 42 and plug Jackie Robinson into second, but of course, he’s not eligible. (Obviously, that’s nothing new to him). This doesn’t mean a movie is out though for having any actual MLB stars playing themselves, as some did. It just means that those players won’t be rostered either. We’re focusing solely on the fictional characters and players in baseball movies. So while Ken Griffey Jr. was great in Summer Catch and Little Big League, he won’t be making the roster either.

26 Man Roster

The Rotation

1. Henry Wiggen
   Bang the Drum Slowly
   Reviews for this movie compared Wiggen to Tom Seaver, which is a pretty high acclaim to receive. I think anyone would be OK with Seaver as their ace, which is why Wiggen is penciled into the number one spot. As the movie shows him trying to get more money due to his value, it becomes clear how great he is as a player. His importance is also evident by his teammates’ willingness to accept a donkey-brained catcher as one of their own.
   
2. Ebby Calvin ‘Nuke’ Laloosh
   Bull Durham
   While he was almost the ace, I think he’s too young and immature for the top spot. As he continues to hone his craft, while boring people with strikeouts, he can also learn from the veterans around him. Perhaps work on his delivery a bit so he’s not just a tall lanky pendulum tossing the ball. At least, he’s gotten the hang of the right soundbites to provide reporters after the game.
   
3. Mike McGrevey
   Little Big league
   This guy has perfect middle-rotation stuff. He is a bit thickheaded, as evidenced by his reluctance to commit to playing for his new manager. However, he was able to see that he’d only be hurting himself by tanking his performance. Once it’s clear he’s on a contract year and money talks, this guy’s stuff got exponentially better. As his pitching progressed, so too did his camaraderie with his teammates. It’s crazy to think this guy would wind up living in Connecticut with the Gilmore Girls. It’s even crazier when you find out he (the actor) actually played AAA ball.
   
4. Billy Chapel
   For Love of the Game
   Having a Hall of Fame starter at the bottom of your rotation isn’t a bad situation to be in. While I wouldn’t expect him to exactly mentor the younger guys, they’ll still be able to learn from watching him. He also has a perfect game under his belt, which was thrown while hungover. He’s basically a more accomplished David Wells. He rehabbed well from what should’ve been a career-ending injury, so his stamina and fortitude should never be questioned. His only real career setback was that he was stuck playing for the Tigers. He’s earned the right to have his friend, Gus Sinski, on the team as his personal catcher.
   
5. Chet Steadman
   Rookie of the Year
   The last spot in the rotation was a toss-up between two vets. Ultimately, Steadman won out over Eddie Harris. Steadman seemed to still have enough gas in the tank to put out a few quality starts, without having to rely on snot. Plus, he’s shown he can mentor young players, which will help with Nuke and his protege Rowengartner. His presence will be helpful in a number of ways, and if he keeps his ERA down, his offense should help him string together a few wins.

The Bullpen

Henry Rowengartner
Rookie of the Year
We’ll assume that Henry doesn’t accidentally undo the damage to his elbow and still has his cannon of an arm. As a young player still learning the game, he’ll hopefully mature a bit on this team. He should be good for high-stress situations, as he may be too young to fully realize the significance of those moments.

Jim Bowers
Little Big League
Rowengartner may be the youngest, but Bowers will hold the title of most immature. His laid-back demeanor and penchant for hijinks and practical jokes will help keep the team laid back. He’ll be a long reliever used in situations where he can try to keep the game somewhat within reason. Maybe after an early Steadman exit or a Nuke meltdown on the mound.

John ‘Blackout’ Gatling
Little Big League
According to his first manager, the guy can’t throw a curveball. While his second manager has a little more faith in him, it takes Gatling a while to return the feelings. He does come around, however, and his large, looming appearance can put fear into opposing batters. He’d be a late-inning set-up guy.

Mel Clark
Angels in the Outfield
With his career coming to an end, he’d be relegated to bullpen work if he wanted to keep playing. This is of course only for the few remaining months that Christopher Lloyd let us know he had left on earth. Pretty fuckin dark of them to drop that nugget on us in a children’s movie. Don’t smoke, kids.

Ryan Dunne
Summer Catch
As long as he keeps that annoying little girl from showing up in random costumes, he has a place on the team. He’s young with a bright future and has shown he handles defeat well, smiling after giving up a dinger to Griffey. He can also do groundskeeping work on the field during off days. Double threat.

Eddie Harris
Major League
Much like Mel Clark, his playing time is coming to an end. While he’d be used in long relief situations, he’d also get spot starts if one of the main guys goes down. He also makes a great clubhouse presence, showing the guys all the ways to keep random fluids of a variety of thickness on their bodies. Another veteran presence for the young guys to learn from.

Closer

Rick ‘Wild Thing’ Vaughn
Major League
This one is a no-brainer. The crowds will cheer for games to stay tight enough for a close situation to arise. Once that first bar of “Wild Thing” hits, the entire place will erupt. He’s shown maturation over the years, even going so far as to wear a suit. That doesn’t matter though, the biker vest and signature haircut will always prevail. Batters will have to watch out for his heater, of course, but they’ll also need to hope he keeps it around the plate. Otherwise, someone may lose a limb, an eye, or their jaw. That pitch is called The Masturbator, I believe.

Bullpen Catchers

Crash Davis
Bull Durham
It’s as close to the show as Crash is ever going to get again, and he’ll be worth it. His attitude towards pitchers will keep them in check before they head out to the mound. While some may find his beliefs out there (Oswald definitely didn’t act alone), his ability to talk some sense into pitches who may be feeling nerves will be an invaluable quality.

Bruce Pearson
Bang the Drum Slowly
This is very similar to Mel Clark’s role in the bullpen, as his days are numbered too. It’s also somewhat of a charity case to appease our ace Wiggen. If Pearson can catch a few pitches every game from the sanctuary of the bullpen, he’ll be alright.

The Lineup

2. SS- Benny ‘The Jet’ Rodriguez
The Sandlot
This may be the best five-tool player on the team. Benny never really had a position in the movie, as he’d just ghost for whoever was batting, but I think he’d make an excellent fit at short. He clearly can hit the ball wherever he wants, like directly into an outstretched glove of an inexperienced kid desperately clutching his eyes shut 300 feet away. We don’t even need to talk about his speed. That scene at the end where he steals home shows it wasn’t just the PF Flyers that helped him outrun The Beast.

3. LF- Bobby Rayburn
The Fan
Normally a centerfielder, he was clearly modeled after Barry Bonds, so the adjustment to Left won’t be an issue for him. The guy is a 3-time NL MVP who hit over .300 for his lifetime. Plus his teammate in the movie, Primo, didn’t make the cut here, which means he could wear #11 and nobody would have to get stabbed by Robert De Niro in a sauna. That might help alleviate any nagging concerns Bobby had about his juju from not wearing his number. He also shows he thrives under pressure. Like during the threat of murder to his own son if he can’t hit a home run. He does (sorta), in enough rain to make The Perfect Storm seem like the boat capsized in a drizzle.

4. DH- Roy Hobbs
The Natural
“The best there ever was in this game” is who I trust to drive in runs after the top of the lineup gets on base. While Benny ‘The Jet’ may have all the tools, Roy Hobbs still bests him as maybe the greatest fictional player of all time. He struck out a bargain store Babe Ruth knockoff and then is shot in the abdomen for being too good at baseball. 16 years later, he returns to the game and makes up for lost time by repeatedly knocking the cover off the ball.

A lot of Hobbs’s career rejuvenation is attributed to his homemade bat, Wonderboy. When that breaks in the climatic pivotal moment, he’s able to use a new bat the team ballboy made. Probably in-between picking his nose and licking walls. What’s he do with that clunky hunk of disoriented wood? Just absolutely demolish the stadium lights and win the pennant. Oh, and he was also poisoned hours prior, and his surgical wounds were beginning to open. That’s “the best there ever was.”

5. RF- Pedro Cerrano
Major League
Pedro has a few things he needs to work on, such as hitting the curve and also learning the unwritten rules of baseball. While it’s actually not illegal to have carried his bat around the bases with him after hitting that home run in the first movie, the disrespect it showed surely would have resulted in a receipt down the line. His presence in the locker room can be a little intense, but he also shows compassion; specifically for birds who get hit by balls. The Cuban, Voodoo-practicing animal lover hits for power, and he makes a great addition in the five hole of this order. It also should go without saying that I’d firmly expect Jobu to be a welcome presence in the clubhouse.

6. 1B- Lou Collins
Little Big League
Dating the mother of your manager is never a good idea. When that manager is a 12-year-old boy though, there’s really no conventional way of handling things. Lou showed some power and it was clear he was a solid hitter in the movie. Minus that brief slump that may or may not have been caused by stress of said relationship with his manager’s mom. Overall, he was a leader and deserves a spot on not only this team but in the starting lineup, with a solid presence on defense.

7. 3B- Ray Mitchell
Angels in the Outfield
Ray has the distinct honor of being one of the few players in the movie who was doing good before God sent his henchmen down to rig the game. For that alone, he deserves his spot in this lineup. He does suffer a bit in the order, as he would be more suited earlier in the order. He does prove that he shook his “bad under pressure” label by hitting a game-tying home run. This shows he actually has a nice bit of power for the bottom of this lineup while adding some speed. His Jeri curl also brings a pop of late 80’s/early 90’s style that this team is sorely missing.

8. 2B- Marla Hooch
A League of Their Own
Marla was not only the most underrated player on her team in the movie, but she may be here as well. While her defensive skills weren’t the best, she showed some promise. It was her bat, however, that helps her earn a spot in this lineup. She’s known for knocking the hell out of the ball when most women barely get it out of the infield. She also brings valuable karaoke skills to the lineup. I’m sure that would help loosen the team up while on the road. Her only major downside is she did abandon the team the moment she found love to get married. Though, I guess that’s a positive to Harrison Butker.

9. C- Jake Taylor
Major League
This is our team captain who is the rock that keeps all these personalities together. While he isn’t the same player he once was, his time in the Mexican leagues may have humbled him just enough. He’s able to call out his teammates if they’re acting like they’re still playing in the California Penal League, as well as get on himself for making bad throws. He’s also got a flair for the dramatics, calling his shot in the bottom of the 9th with the winning run on base. His hustle and grit is ultimately what helps to win games. He’s also been around the game long enough to have a high IQ, which is why he’s our field manager behind the plate.

The Bench

Mickey Scales (2B)
Little Big League
This guy shows promise on the field in the movie, as well as loyalty and respect. For some, playing for a 12-year-old was embarrassing and they wouldn’t tolerate it. Mickey was one of the first willing to trust his manager and give it a shot. That’s a good teammate who I’d be happy to have on my team. Someone just needs to teach him about different languages spoken in different countries.

Roger Dorn (3B)
Major League
You don’t normally keep high-priced talent on the bench. Obviously that doesn’t apply here, since Dorn is just high-priced. He does show in the sequel though that he’s willing to do what he has to in order to get on base. While that comes at the cost of his own body, he shows that he doesn’t worry about doing any more of that *ole* bullshit to avoid getting hurt.

Gus Sinski (C)
For Love of the Game
I’ll be honest, he’s on this team simply for Billy Chapel. While you don’t see many pitchers have personal catchers, Chapel has earned that honor. So now his friend gets to play every 5 days and occasionally surprises his manager with a routine single.

Davis Birch (LF)
For Love of the Game
This guy was a power-hitting outfielder who left Detroit for a monster contract in New York. While his absence hurt his friend Billy Chapel, he knew his worth. He could be plugged into any outfield spot if necessary. He also could pinch hit in pressure situations where he could change the game with one swing of the bat.

Isuro ‘Kamikaze’ Tanaka (CF) Major League II
You can never have too many outfielders on the bench. Tanaka is an import from Japan, well suited to fill in any of the outfield roles. His defense is characterized by smashing into walls like a Japanese gameshow. He also shows some heads-up playing when necessary by climbing walls to rob home runs that would otherwise require a rocket up your ass to catch. And while he wouldn’t be an everyday player, he’d certainly make sure the rest of the team has their “marbles”.

Coaching Staff

First Base Coach- Larry Hockett
Bull Durham
His calm demeanor will help keep players who reach first focused. Plus if they don’t run out a fly ball he’ll let them know they’re lollygaggers. Not to mention he’s knowledgeable about obscure league records and proper wedding gifts. He’s got all the answers a runner may need.

Third Base Coach- Frank Perry
For Love of the Game
Anyone who hates the Yankees as much as this guy has a place on my team. He also wants to win, no matter what. If this means getting a guy loose in the bullpen while there’s a perfect game going, he doesn’t care. This kind of aggressiveness is what you need at 3rd, sending runners without hesitation.

Bullpen Coach- Phil Brickma
Rookie of the Year
This guy fits in the bullpen perfectly. He can also trade various obscure tips with the guys. Maybe Eddie Harris will want to try using hot ice on the ball instead of snot.

Pitching Coach- Mac MacNally
Little Big League
Levelheaded with a deep knowledge of the game. He warmed up quickly to working with a 12-year-old and trusted his judgement. He’s got an eye for situational baseball and his mound visits would be exactly what a pitcher may need to readjust.

Hitting Coach- Jerry Johnson
Little Big League
If your own coach had your rookie card as a kid, you clearly were a good ballplayer. Knowing when you’ve passed your prime and willing to admit it takes a lot of pride. He can use his knowledge to help the guys work on their hitting techniques. Those seeing-eye singles aren’t as easy as Jerry made them look.

Bench Coach- Jim Dugan
A League of Their Own
This was a toss-up, but at the end of the day, Jim may be more suited for the bench role. His appetite for the bottle may hinder his abilities at times. He’s not afraid to tell the guys what they need to hear though. Especially if they’re crying, for some reason. We all know there’s none of that in baseball, thanks to Jimmy.

Manager-Lou Brown
Major League
Nobody else has shown their ability to manage a group of absolute misfits like Lou did. He took guys from all different walks of life and turned them into a winning team. He’s been around every personality there is, so nothing would surprise him. Lou had no problem with voodoo, he could handle some angels flying around the infield. He’ll let Dugan do the hard work, like taking Chapel out of the game when it’s time. He understands the game and the significance of moments. He won’t disturb the camaraderie of the players, in f act he’d be right in the middle of it.

Front Office

General Manager- Billy Heywood
Little Big League
Nobody has a better baseball IQ than this wunderkind. His knowledge of the game and his ability to get along with players will keep this team competitive. He’s not afraid to have those hard conversations with guys either. If someone has to get cut or traded, he’ll let them know he had their rookie card as a kid. Nothing stings less than when a child tells you you’re entire life has been upended when you know they have your baseball card.

Owner- Bob Carson
Rookie of the Year
We all can agree that stadium prices are beyond outrageous. This guy was upset about a $3 hot dog. Imagine him walking into Yankee Stadium now and seeing the concession stand prices. Having a good team and creating an enjoyable atmosphere for the fans are his top priorities. Today’s owners could learn a thing to two from this guy. Plus, this guy gave Kevin two ornaments in Home Alone 2, so clearly he’s very giving and charitable.

Stadium Personnel

Grounds Crew- Sean Dunne
Summer Catch
This guy would be at every game anyway, supporting his son Ryan in the bullpen. We gotta keep the cost of those hot dogs down somehow, so why not put him to work in exchange for free tickets? His landscaping company has the experience, so no question the work would be adequate.

Announcers

Wally Holland
Little Big League
In a sport that keeps stats for everything, this guy knows them all. If we need to know who has the highest OBP in the month of May on odd-numbered days, this is who we would call.

Harry Doyle
Major League
Nobody in the game does it better. Announcers today still quote him during actual games. He’s the epitome of what a baseball play-by-play man should be. He cheers when the team does good, and drinks when they do bad. He’d also rival Wally’s random stats since he knows who leads the league in categories such as nose hairs.

That wraps up the ultimate MLB fictional movie roster. Some guys are missing but for reasons. Like Jack Parkman from Major League II is a locker room cancer. Or Steve Nebraska from The Scout is a total headcase. This team is basically The Avengers of fictional baseball players, and I’d put them up against any real MLB team assembled. Hell, even a team assembled from MLB players used in movies. They wouldn’t stand a chance against these guys. And we’d be able to watch them all while enjoying a $3 hot dog.

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