What If…The Titanic Never Sank?

Would Leonardo DiCaprio Still Date 20 Year Old Victoria’s Secret Models And More Questions From Once Upon A Time In Hollywood

Welcome to the What If… series. In this column, we will discuss hypothetical situations from all avenues of sports and entertainment. We will examine what would happen to the major players involved. In our first trip down the hypothetical highway, let’s head back to the Atlantic and set sail on Titanic.

They Called Titanic “The Ship of Dreams.”

So what if the Titanic never hit that iceberg? Obviously thousands of lives would not have succumbed to a tragic ending but we aren’t here for that right now. We are here to theorize about a world in which the number three highest-grossing movie of all time was never made.

Without Titanic, Would Leo Still be Loving Those Angels?

Titanic was a star-making role for Leonardo DiCaprio. Granted he was nominated for an Oscar for his role in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, but his star rose like a rocket ship after starring as Jack Dawson. So where would he be sans the Titanic movie? Two words… Dirk Diggler! That’s right folks, DiCaprio famously turned down the role that went to Marky Mark in order to star in Titanic, so without the iceberg and the movie, we would have witnessed a fake penis hanging out of Leo’s Levis. Oh and he also doesn’t make the god-awful movie The Beach, so bonus. I’m liking hypothetical Hollywood already. Can we move there? Leo would get an Oscar nod for his breakthrough role in Boogie Knights, but more importantly, the shot of the prosthetic third member would delight young Victoria’s Secret models everywhere so the answer is yes, the cinema’s finest actor would still be robbing the cradle. Cheers to you Dirk Diggler.

Kate Winslet in the Wizarding World?

Unlike DiCaprio, Kate Winslet received an Academy Award nomination for her portrayal of Rose DeWitt Bukater but she wouldn’t have found the critical success she experienced had Titanic never been made. So how would we remember this talented actress? Allegedly the Harry Potter movies are where British actors go to retire so welcome to Hogwarts Miss Winslet. Post-Titanic, Kate actually turned down the role of Helena Ravenclaw. For the sake of this article that does not matter as here, she jumps at the chance to join the Potter Universe. The Oscar winner most likely would have still had a nice career in British films such as Love Actually, and Mr. Bean’s Holiday, but her claim to fame would be tied to the boy who defeated “He Who Shall Not Be Named.” We would also be deprived of the age-old myth that the door Rose survived on was big enough for Jack. I say yes.

Fight me on twitter @scottjordanmjsx.

Author’s Note: Am I the only one who got pissed when Rose went to Heaven and was with Jack? Wasn’t she married to another man for 50 years and had 15 kids and 30 grandkids? Her husband got hosed in paradise because of a one night stand.

Without Titanic, Would Celine Dion Still Be A National Treasure?

This is the easiest answer of all. DUH!! OMG Yes. However, we would be deprived of the song that closed down proms everywhere in 1998, My Heart Will Go On.  I lose myself in the glory that is Celine Dion every time it comes on. I sing loud and I sing proud. Yes I am straight and I have a super hot wife but I belt this song out like I am auditioning for RuPaul’s Drag Race. Scratch that, I belt it out like I’ve just won RuPaul’s Drag Race and I’m not ashamed of it. We would have also been denied those great videos of the Patriots losing to My Heart Will Go On and I am not sure I could live in a world where those are gone.

Would Billy Zane Have Had Any Career At All?

If you don’t remember Billy Zane then I am sure you at least remember Billy Zane’s wig. At times in the movie, it appeared to take on a life of its own. Zane has the least impressive resume after playing Cal Hockley in Titanic, starring in such films as Alien Agent and The Scorpion King 3: Battle For Redemption. If you take away his career-defining role then his most prominent credit would be as a glorified extra in the first two Back To The Future movies. It was because of this, and his sister Lisa Zane’s overnight success due to her starring role in Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare, that he would retire from show business and become the drama teacher at his former thespian academy, Harand Camp of the Theater Arts.

Authors Note: Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare was the worst thing to happen to Freddy Krueger (Michael Bay says, “Hold my beer.”) at the time. Shoutout to Rachel Talalay and Michael De Luca for that gem.

Without Titanic, Would Jim Cameron Still Be An A*Hole?

No, he never was. James Cameron is a Monster Jam fan which makes him perfect in my eyes. He is also a perfectionist and demands perfection from his minions. There’s nothing wrong with that. He directed Aliens for God’s sake, which is the fourth greatest sequel of all time. The other three, in no particular order, are The Godfather Part 2, The Empire Strikes Back, and Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol. (Fight me on twitter @scottjordanmjsx.) Without Titanic, his flagship movie would be Avatar, which is only the second highest-grossing movie of all-time and also a terrible ride at Disney’s Animal Kingdom.

Author’s Note: The Author is the Host of Monster Jam on NBCSN of which James Cameron is a fan, therefore the author is a fan of James Cameron. ‘Tis the season to give and receive, or something like that.

Additional Author’s Note: Upon further review, James Cameron has no idea who in the hell I am.

“Iceberg, Right Ahead!”

The RMS Titanic did hit the Iceberg on April 14th, 1912. The ship did sink. The movie became a part of cinematic history. James Cameron went on to make enough money to buy his own Titanic. Leonardo DiCaprio became the biggest star in the world. Kate Winslet went on to win an Oscar. Billy Zane is still bald.

It’s fun to imagine where the major players would be now had Titanic never been made. We should all be thankful that this cinematic masterpiece has taken its rightful place in history.  It really is one of the greatest movies of all-time. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a date in my rental car with my radio and Celine Dion.

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