This afternoon, Dad reportedly got angry and put MLB in a corner and ordered them to sort themselves out. Owners and players have been in a well-documented fight over money for several months. Angered over their constant bickering, Dad took all 30 MLB owners and player representatives and ordered them to go to separate corners.
“For the love of God, GET IN THE CORNER – BOTH OF YOU!” yelled the annoyed Dad. “I’m tired of you quarreling about prorated salaries, expanded playoffs, and profit-sharing! Sort yourselves out!”
The Corner Wars
All 30 MLB owners and 30 player representatives were sent by the angry Dad to a separate corner of the room. As children are wont to do, numerous owners taunted the player reps in the opposite corner. They reportedly stuck their tongues out at the player reps. The player reps, meanwhile, replied with obscene hand gestures.
“Hey! Knock that off or I’ll give you both something to cry about,” an exasperated Dad yelled after catching both sides.
The War Continues
The taunts resumed several minutes later. Boston Red Sox owner John Henry gestured, “I’m Smart, U R Dumb,” to MLBPA player representative Andrew Miller. Miller replied by looking at Henry, kissing his hand, and slapping his butt. Another player representative, Max Scherzer, grabbed his crotch as if he was wearing a cup. Meanwhile, Cincinnati Reds owner Bob Castellini was spotted trying to summon the spirit of Schotzie, former owner Margie Schott’s St. Bernard, with a Ouija board. Castellini attempted to sic the wayward spirit on Scherzer, but the spirit wandered and is now classified as an oni.
Dad, still angry, caught the gestures by the MLB again and roared, “Hey! HEY! Enough! What did I say? You’re in the corner for a reason. Don’t make me take away dessert for a week!”
The owners and player reps groaned and hushed up quickly.
Peace… Sorta
A half-hour passed and the Dad gathered MLB together for a good ol’ heart-to-heart talk.
“MLB… I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed,” said the Dad. “You two really, really need to sort this out before people get hurt, especially your mother and I. We’re season ticket holders.”
The owners and player reps shook hands and wiped their respective hands on their pants before going their separate ways.
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