This week, FedEx asked Washington Redskins owner, Daniel Snyder, to change the team name. Over the last 40 years, numerous groups have demanded that the team name be changed to something different. I don’t have a problem with the name. Neither do nine out of 10 Native Americans in a 2019 Washington Post poll. There are probably more pressing issues affecting the Native American community, but that’s another column. Politics aside, if the Washington Redskins were to change their name, here are five potential ideas for replacement names. (You’re welcome, Roger Goodell.)
Washington Swamp Things
During his successful presidential run, President Donald Trump lovingly (and I say this sarcastically) referred to Washington DC as “The Swamp.” In a way, he’s not wrong; Washington can be a place that sucks the soul out of anyone trying to serve their constituency. Swamp Thing is part of the DC Comics family that made its debut in 1971. It was also made into a movie by Wes Craven in 1982. Why not make the Swamp Things the team name? Think about it: a random 18-term politician would stand along Snyder to introduce a name perfectly fitting for the city. The primary problem is changing the colors from the iconic garnet and gold to a much more putrid green color. But it’ll make Goodell happy because it’s one less headache he has to deal with.
Washington Lobbyists
One of the more pervasive aspects of being in Washington is the influence of lobbying. Companies and corporations send representatives and lawyers to live in or around Washington to influence lawmakers. Lobbyists are one of the more controversial figures in Washington. Many – myself included – think they are TOO influential. So, why not have them forever immortalized as a football team name? The mascot would be a plush guy in a suit handing out fake dollar bills in the crowd. And the best part: whenever the Lobbyists score a touchdown, a cannon is fired and fake dollar bills fly in the air like confetti. This would please Goodell because let’s be honest: money talks whether it’s private business or government.
Washington Taxes
Founding Father Benjamin Franklin is credited with writing this in a letter to a French politician: “Our new Constitution is now established and has an appearance that promises permanency, but in this world, nothing can be said is certain, except death and taxes.” Thanks to the Sixteenth Amendment, the average American citizen is subject to having up to 40 percent of their income taken out of their paychecks. Whether you’re for them or vehemently against them, the income tax is here to stay (unless the amendment is repealed). Want a reminder that DC takes up to 40 percent of your money every two weeks? This is the name for you! You can’t stop taxes: you can only hope that the IRS doesn’t audit you.
Washington Underwoods
Netflix’s first foray into the television series world started in 2013 with the debut of House of Cards. The series follows the rise and fall of Frank Underwood (played by Kevin Spacey) from Congressman to President. Underwood does every slimy trick in the book – from using reporters to assassinations – to climb to the top. Near the end of the series, Frank’s wife Claire (played by Robin Wright) becomes president later in the series. As it turns out, she’s just as bad as – if not, WORSE than – Frank. As a tribute to the show, the Redskins could change their name to the Underwoods. It would be the best way to describe just about every politician in Washington. The upside-down American flag would be the PERFECT logo for this team.
Washington Human Beings
In the sitcom Community, Dean Pelton (played by Jim Rash) introduces a new team name Greendale Community College. The new team name and mascot: The Human Beings. The mascot is a “non-denominational, ethnic-free representation of the Greendale student body.” It replaced the Grizzly bear because in the words of Dean Pelton:
“Yup! It was my idea! It was originally the Greendale Grizzlies, but I thought, um, well… a lot of these students have been called animals their whole lives.”
It’s the least offensive mascot possible, but it’s the most terrifying. He/she (xe?) is a person wearing a grey Lycra bodysuit with a pair of eyes and a mouth drawn on. It CANNOT talk. This is the perfect representation of what mascots COULD be if some people had their way: bland, lifeless, and possibly out of a Guillermo del Toro movie.
To be fair, I’m having a little fun about a somewhat serious topic. We’ve become a culture that cancels someone or something and it’s a bit frightening if I’m honest. But Snyder has some thinking to do in for a potential Washington Redskins replacement name. I really hope the team name isn’t as ridiculous as these.
(Just pray they don’t change the name to… well, this.)
If you’re looking for more serious analysis for the potential of Washington Redskins replacement names, check out this column co-authored by Parker, Chaka, and Kev. What are some replacement names you can think of or should it remain the Washington Redskins? Sound off below or holler at me on Twitter, @WhoIsRyanMcC.
