This afternoon, the New York Yankees announced the hiring of psychic Theresa Caputo (aka the “Long Island Medium”) to predict when star players will suffer injuries. The announcement comes off of heels of three players recently being sent to the injured list after being diagnosed with Covid-19. Caputo’s title will be “Predictive Health Medium.”
The Announcement
Yankees GM Brian Cashman said during the press conference that this was a matter that needed to be taken.
“Considering all of the injuries we had last season, we had to bring someone in who could predict our players’ injuries before they happen,” said Cashman. “We tried reaching Miss Cleo and Sylvia Brown, but we forgot they were dead. Plus, with Theresa being so close, travel expenses would be at minimum. She can just take the LIRR down.”
During the 2019 season, the Yankees lost over 2,300 games due to injury. Despite the injuries, the Yankees managed to make it all the way to the ALCS before being buzzed out by Houston. Yankees manager Aaron Boone was supportive of the move.
“You know, injuries are so unpredictable in baseball,” said Boone. “This is the best insurance policy we could get outside of an actual health insurance policy.”
“You know what wasn’t unpredictable, though? A Tim Wakefield knuckleball in October 2003. I think that ball is still in the air somewhere over left field.”
Player Reaction
Player reaction of the Yankees hiring the Long Island Medium to predict injuries has been mixed. But when the players learned when an injury might occur, it put some of them at ease. Most notably, right fielder Aaron Judge, who spent extended periods of time on the IL over the last two seasons.
“It’s interesting having the Long Island Medium around,” said Judge. “She’s gonna be a big help around the locker room and knowing whe- ow, my hip! Tim! Can you check out my hip, please?”
Meanwhile, Caputo, the Long Island Medium, is enjoying her new position with the Yankees.
“I’ve been having a blast getting to know the guys,” said Caputo. “I’m a big fan of the Yankees and it’s kind of a dream to be working for them.”
As Caputo toured the locker room, she looked at the stalls of the players, creating predictive outlooks on their health. One stall in particular, though, gave her a negative impression.
“Uh oh. I don’t have a good feeling about that one,” she said while gesturing toward the direction of left fielder Giancarlo Stanton.
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