Please Note: This article is going to be very biased towards the worst goddamn team in that division (AFC South) because boy do I know how to pick em.
Week 3 has mostly come and gone and it’s never too early to start leaping into wild conclusions and making sweeping declarations about what will happen 4 months from now. So let’s do a team by team breakdown of what they’ve done so far.
Jacksonville Jaguars
Following up their week 2 trouncing of New England, the Jaguars did exactly what was expected of them and refused to score a touchdown. No matter how hard their offense that put up 31 points against the Patriots and Tom Brady tried, they just couldn’t get in the endzone. Lucky for them, future-hall-of-famer-and-MVP Blaine Gabbert had a concussion and so they had to go up against Tennessee’s backup, Mark Marion, or whatever his stupid name is. This meant the Titans were also allergic to touchdowns. But unfortunately for the Jags and fans of literally any other team in the AFC South, the Titans managed to kick 3 field goals for a whopping 9 points compared to the Jags strong showing of 6 points. If you’ve been a fan of either of these teams for more than, oh let’s say 2 seasons, you were probably not surprised by this game, and you probably watched it all. For any other fans, this game was about the equivalent of watching the scene from family guy where Peter, Brian, Stewie, and Chris all take Ipecac and have a contest to see who can throw up last. Hilarious for the first quarter or so, but then just gets over the top and flat out gross to watch.
Tennessee Titans
The Titans got to see Mariota back in action after Gabbert’s concussion, and he did not do too poorly coming off his elbow injury. Threw for 100 yards, only sacked once, and rushed for 51. Now let me be fully transparent, I hate the Titans, everything they stand for, their stupid jerseys, their terrible helmets, and everything about the organization. So it pains me to say this, but even after that carnival of a game they just played in, they’re still a talented team, and aren’t gonna go down easy once we get into the stretch of the season. Also, having a HOF backup like Gabbert really instills fear into the eyes of other AFC elites like Brady, Mahomes, and of course THE Joe Flacco.
Houston Texans
Bastards. Every single one of them. If we review the scores from all 3 of the Texans miserable, abysmal losses this season, the average fan would think “oh they’re competing, it’s not that bad”. Well, that’s why they’re an average fan. I’ve been a Texans fan through the 2-14 seasons, the Sage Rosenfels era, and watched BROCK OSWEILER START A PLAYOFF GAME FOR THEM. And still in all my time as a fan, I have never been this blown away. When my parents used to tell me “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed” I always thought that they were definitely mad, cause how could you not be, you know? Like just be mad. But no. Now I understand. I’m just so disappointed. Part of me still thinks “hey there were some positives from the games, maybe 10-6 isn’t out of the question.” But every time I think that, I remember that the entire O-Line is gonna be here most of the season, and Deshaun Watson will keep throwing for 330+ yards in a 5-10 point loss that looks closer than the blowout it actually was. I’m sick to my stomach. Can’t wait to travel to Indy next week, where the Texans all-time record is 2-14, which ironically is going to be their record this season.
Indianapolis Colts
I’m from outside Baltimore, and I’m a Texans fan. The Colts deserve nothing good in this world and I refuse to give them any more than these two sentences.
My Predictions: Ok so here’s where I’ll jump to my hefty conclusions. The final standings will be:
Jacksonville: 12-4
Tennessee: 9-7
Houston: 2-14
The Colts will leave Indianapolis in early December similar to how they left Baltimore. Their season will be cancelled as their relocation to St. Louis goes into full gear. This will be the only thing that brings me comfort next season.
Come back to Belly Up next week for my latest overreactions about how bad my team is.
