There’s good and bad to find everywhere, but breaking down what’s ugly about everyone else’s team is what keeps us feeling superior as fans. Good, Bad, and Ugly Rankings are here to remind you that your team is just as ugly as the rest of them. Starting with #31 the Miami Dolphins.
#31 – The Miami Dolphins
Continuing with our GBU Rankings series, we have the Miami Dolphins. Similar to the Redskins, I could understand someone doubting the position I’ve given them. Considering last year they finished second in their division at 7-9. Alas, that division is the AFC East and it has been a pit of mediocrity with the Patriots embarrassing the other three teams. Let’s break it all down.
The Good
Let’s hope that Florida turns out to be the FitzMagic state. Less than 200 miles down the road last year, the Dolphins watched the 36 year old Ryan Fitzpatrick look like the second coming of Dan Marino. Fitzpatrick started the first three games at quarterback for Tampa Bay. During this, he became the first QB in NFL history to throw for at least 400 yards in three consecutive games. Against the daunting New Orleans Saints in week one, he threw for four touchdowns, and rushed for another. More important than his statistical successes, watching him was just plain fun. Watching the chemistry he had with his teammates made you think that the Bucs could actually accomplish something with him at the helm.
The Bucs however, doubled down on Jameis Winston and let Fitzpatrick go. Now he has come to Miami to (hopefully) repeat that success. I know he’s been on a million teams, and has his ups and downs, but he’s undeniably intelligent. He’s a good QB even with his faults. Worst case scenario, he should be a great person for Josh Rosen to learn from.
Yes boys and girls, the Miami Dolphins managed to fleece the Cardinals for a promising young quarterback, and came away looking good in the process. I know Josh Rosen didn’t perform particularly well last year. To his credit, he got screwed by a terrible offensive line, terrible coaching, terrible playcalling, and a mediocre group of receivers. There is a lot of excitement to be had here if for no other reason than the way Rosen handled the crappy hand he was dealt in Arizona.
All that being said, a team IS more than just the man throwing the ball, so who else do we have? Well, Kenny Stills has given us reason to think that he’s actually better than his production indicates, so he should improve with a more talented passer. The defense honestly does have talent, and should improve under new Head Coach Brian Flores. Kenyan Drake also looked pretty good last year. Given that he’s the only proven running back on the roster, I imagine he is going to see a lot of touches this year. Miami is definitely in the process of a rebuild, but there are already good pieces here. That’s encouraging.
The Bad
I really wanted to come up with more things that are good, but there isn’t really a lot to get excited about. Last season’s record of 7-9 was better than anyone expected. I don’t know if that’s going to be doable again this year. The AFC East as a whole is doing better than it has in a long time, and it’s not going to stop improving. I’m confident the Miami Dolphins will manage to beat the Patriots because somehow that’s just a thing they do every year. But I don’t really know what games on the schedule are actually winnable.
Frank Gore might not be what he once was, but he’s easy to root for. And Gore being gone isn’t great for the story of this team. Kiko Alonso is a good linebacker who does his best to land hit after dirty hit, and it’s an embarrassment to the entire team. My grandfather is a lifelong Miami fan. I feel bad telling him that it’s going to be another few years (at least) until his team amounts to anything, because we’ve all been thinking that for years now. Or maybe you’ve been smart enough to realize this team would be mediocre forever. I like Brian Flores, he seems like a standup guy, and his work with the Patriots speaks for itself. But the track record of the Belichick coaching tree ALSO speaks for itself. None of us should trick ourselves into assuming any better of it this time.
Also, while we can all agree it’s a good thing that the team finally moved on from Ryan Tannehill, there is a lot to be said about how many years this team clung to him. Between injuries and mediocre play, he was not going to be the spiritual successor to Marino. I thought maybe he would get it together at some point. I was wrong. The good news is, they don’t pay me millions of dollars to make those kinds of decisions. The bad news is, the people that ARE paid to make those decisions, kept making the wrong ones.
The Ugly
The franchise as a whole is ugly, and it has been for a long time. How would history have been different if the Miami Dolphins had been competitive over the course of the last 20 years? Would New England fans be as annoying? Would they have as much to celebrate? How sad is it that the Miami Miracle is the proudest moment of the 21st century for this fanbase. They were 6-6 going into that game. They went to 7-6, and then they lost every game after to end up 7-9. That’s the legacy of the Dolphins. They aren’t, and haven’t been good enough for a long time.
Also, Miami sucks. It’s a sweaty, sticky, hell town where old people go to die. It’s literally the worst place to go on vacation. I don’t want to see moms in their 40s wearing matching bikinis with their daughters, desperate to stave off the fact that being old is an inevitability. The best thing about Florida is that there is no income tax. I have often wondered if they should reverse course on that, and put the money towards fixing the terrible roads all over the state. I promise, I will have similar things to say when I talk about the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
The Dolphins managed to go 7-9 last year, but this year I’m projecting a 4-12 record. I see absolutely no chance to make the playoffs. Keep an eye out for the next article of the Good, Bad, and Ugly Rankings!
