We still have a few more weeks before the Super Bowl. So while we wait, let’s chat about cheating the how-to-guide.
Cheating is very much in the news these days. In baseball, the Astros are looking for a new General Manager and field skipper, after Jeff Luhnow and AJ Hinch were fired for their role in stealing signs. The team may have been banging on garbage cans to tip-off batters about upcoming pitches. No word on whether Oscar the Grouch was involved.
Of course, they could also have tipped off batters by making their fitness devices vibrate. This could work through a simple system: One vibration for a fastball, two for a curve, etc. In that case, such vibrations might count as “steps” on those wristband devices. My daughter has figured out that if she takes her device off and waves it around, she gets credit for “steps.” So maybe the umpires should be checking the players. If they have more than, say, 2,000 steps in a day, we know they must be cheating; it’s not as if a baseball player works out enough to ring up that many steps.
Meanwhile, in golf, commentator Brandel Chamblee is angry at the state of the game. “Instead of self-policing, it’s catch-me-if-you-can. And that bothers me,” Chamblee said after accusing Patrick Reed of improving his lie. That’s cheating, since Judge Smails’ “winter rules” aren’t a thing on the PGA Tour, even during the winter.
Your Cheating Heart
Now, back to football, where we clearly cannot spell “cheat” without “Patriots.”
This isn’t a new development in the Bill Belichick era, of course. The Pats were first (caught) cheating back in 2007 when they were nicked for illegally taping the New York Jets in a way that would allow them to see coaches sending signals. It’s never been clear what they hoped to learn from reading Jets’ signals. “What plays not to call,” perhaps.
At the time, Coach Bill Belichick hosted a news conference that was literally carried on CNN (and I’m literally using that word correctly). At least it was carried live for a short time until CNN realized the “news” conference was notable only for its lack of news. Had The Critic been given a chance to ask a question, he would have opted for: “Coach (always call anyone who’s coached anything at any level “coach.” They really groove on it), did you need to cheat to beat the JETS?”
To be fair, Belichick wouldn’t have responded to that question. He probably wouldn’t have responded if he’d been asked to name his favorite color. But it would have set a useful bar for later scandals.
A Deflating Feeling
For example, just a few years later Brady’s support around the league was softening, and so were the footballs he was tossing. “Deflategate” was discovered at halftime of a Patriots-Colts playoff game. Perhaps New England did indeed need to cheat to beat the Colts, but that doesn’t seem likely; after the balls were reinflated at the half, the Pats outscored Indy 28-0 and cruised to the Super Bowl. It would be ironic (and I’m also literally using that word correctly) indeed if cheating in the first half held them back from an even more dominating performance.
Can’t Kick the Habit
So it almost wouldn’t be football season without another Patriots cheating scandal. This time, it involves them videotaping the Bengals. “The tape should make clear that New England violated the NFL’s policy on filming opponents’ sideline; the Patriots already admitted as much in a statement issued Monday night,” the Sporting News reported last month. “So the question becomes why they did it, and to what extent?”
Let that sink in: The best team in the history of football apparently thinks it needs to cheat to beat the Bengals, who seemed to be trying to lose games this season so they can get that coveted first draft pick. Trying to lose isn’t exactly “cheating,” but probably should be. CNN will go live to Bill Belichick and see what he has to say about all this:
Silence.
Oh, well. Maybe he’ll have a comment when he is inducted into the “Cheating Hall of Fame” in Portland, Maine (the top city for cheating, according to Ashley Madison, and it outta know.) Portland is in “New England,” of course. So the Pats, when they get there, should feel right at home.
It wouldn’t be cheating to boost my profile by Tweeting to @TheSportsCriti2.
