And now thanks to the magic of science and the hard work of millions of people all around the world, it’s the Bang Radio Hour Official Picks n Predicts for week 9 of the NFL season.
The Bang Radio Hour! The only sports podcast recommended to whiten teeth and reduce cavities by the American Dental Association.*
As always these picks are not to be considered for gambling purposes, but if you do, you are fucking AWESOME.
Chicago Bears at Buffalo Bills
After reviewing Monday’s Patriots game film, the depleted Bills move quickly to bolster their QB ranks by signing dildo throwing fan Michael Abdallah. “He’s got a good arm, and flopping a dick in the end zone shows he has a solid grasp of our playbook.” said GM Brandon Beane.
Bears 31 | Bills 14
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Carolina Panthers
Panthers win on late controversy after former Buccaneers QB and known finger sniffer Jameis Winston inexplicably throws a pick six from the bench.
Panthers 37 | Buccaneers 35
Kansas City Chiefs at Cleveland Browns
Interim head coach and deranged lunatic Gregg Williams denies any wrongdoing after video is released of him passing out 100 dollar bills in the defensive huddle during an injury timeout.
Chiefs 34 | Browns 14
New York Jets at Miami Dolphins
Vegas reports brisk apathy on Dolphins and Jets game to decide the nearly annual honor of which of them will draft in the top ten and which will draft in the top twelve.
Dolphins 23 | Jets 10
Detroit Lions at Minnesota Vikings
Vikings quarterback and human cubic zirconia Kirk Cousins credits an impeccable sense of balance aided by superior genetics in his ear canal to allow him to remain right around .500 at any point during the season.
Vikings 34 | Lions 33
Pittsburgh Steelers at Baltimore Ravens
After a pathetic month of October that sees them only scoring 88 points, frustrated team officials reveal that the Ravens chartered airline lost the suitcase containing their offense in late September and has yet to locate it. Steelers 30 | Ravens 26
Atlanta Falcons at Washington Redskins
After viewing game film of Redskins pass offense working against the Falcons pass defense, lawyers representing the Three Stooges estate file copyright infringement lawsuits. Atlanta finally wins on the road
Falcons 33 | Redskins 24
Houston Texans at Denver Broncos
Livid Broncos immediately file an official league protest after Texans show up for the game without the ham sandwich that they agreed to trade for receiver Demaryius Thomas. “This is bullshit,” fumed Broncos GM John Elway, “It’s fucking lunchtime”. Texans defeat starving Broncos
Texans 34 | Broncos 17
Los Angeles Chargers at Seattle Seahawks
To combat crowd noise on the road, the ingenious Chargers play home games in a shoebox crammed with fans of their opponents.
Chargers 28 | Seahawks 27
Los Angeles Rams vs New Orleans Saints
Rams players suffering from frizzy hair and clogged pores demand the team fire their equipment manager after he forgets to pack hair gels & moisturizing products that were more suited to the south Louisiana climate. The Saints take advantage and hand the Rams their first loss
Saints 41 | Rams 37
Sunday Night Football
Green Bay Packers at New England Patriots
In order to satisfy hundreds of thousands of fan boy arguments, the NFL announces that Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers will compare dicks at midfield before the coin toss. Brady wins again.
Patriots 36 | Packers 27
Monday Night Football
Tennessee Titans at Dallas Cowboys
Dak shows the fans what he is capable of as Amari Cooper shines in Cowboys debut, catching 11 passes for 27 yards and a first down. Dallas wins a squeaker over the Titans
Cowboys 23 | Titans 21
*The American Dental Association said no such thing. It’s ridiculous.