The NBA has a long and storied history with conspiracy theories. When one of the more heinous ones involving fixing games was confirmed, it only entrenched many people’s belief in whatever wild theory they subscribe to. Whether it was the cramp-inducing heat from a suspiciously broken air conditioning unit or the icy chill of a frozen envelope, fans love to bemoan the evil empire.
Currently, in the NBA, many conspiracies are afoot. No, I’m not talking about marketing Space Jam 2. These ones are mostly flying under the radar. What better time than quarantine to investigate? Grab some tin foil, popcorn, get an RFID blocker for your passport, and let’s delve into the world of current NBA conspiracies.
Conspiracy One: Ben Simmons, the Little Rascal
Philadelphia 76ers big man/point guard/tween idol Ben Simmons always has a knee-jerk knock on him- no jump shot. It’s such an obvious and easy cut on the young star that everyone else seems to be overlooking why that might be. Some people say it’s because he’s shooting with the wrong hand, some say it’s because he lacks confidence.
I say it’s because he is actually three prepubescent boys standing on each other’s shoulders. In a tale straight out of the Little Rascals movie, three young boys have managed to pull a fast one on us all. I’ve been saying it for years and everyone just laughs me off, but look at the kid’s face and tell me I’m wrong!
BoJack may never have gotten the satisfaction of people finally realizing the truth about Vincent Adultman, but I will be vindicated. One day you’ll all realize these kids got you good. There will only be one response once you finally open your eyes…
“Aw, shucks!”
Current NBA Conspiracy Two: Harden’s Secret Weapon
We’ve all been caught with that slack-jawed stare into the television after a James Harden step back. Moments pass while our minds race with anxiety. Have I slipped into some alternate dimension where step and jump have the same meaning? Are they called the Berestein Bears again here? Can I go outside!?!
The secret, of course, is in the beard. Why such a choice of facial hair for a mere NBA superstar? This is a beard of learned men. A beard of Darwin, of Galileo, of Pavlov. Harden is actually a mad scientist. His greatest invention? The Air Booster 5000. A one-of-a-kind sneaker that silently shoots a gust of wind to propel you off the court!
Upon retirement, Harden will go the Elon Musk route, making billions once he patents and markets these babies. He could charge $2000 per pair and still make a mint. The step back isn’t the draw for your average Joe. No, Foot Lockers everywhere will be jam packed with middle aged men who always wanted to know what it was like to dunk. Good on you, Dr. Harden.
Current NBA Conspiracy Three: Kawhi the Killer
Plenty of people have mocked the awkwardness of Los Angeles Clippers star Kawhi Leonard. He is a private guy who seems a little lacking in social skills, no biggie. Some have even used the term “robotic” to describe the way he acts. That is where things get a little more concerning.
What if there is a more sinister reason for Leonard’s inability to communicate well? What if his programming is still catching up to “fitting in” with the rest of society? Why is Arnold Schwarzenegger so interested in him? That’s right, Kawhi Leonard is a real life T-1000. This one isn’t even that much of a stretch.
I think the bigger conspiracy is why no one acknowledges it. It’s pretty easy to spot. Unless we think if we let him live out his dream of playing in the NBA he won’t go on a murderous rampage? Why didn’t I see it before? Oh, hey Kawhi, I was just uh, just talking about what a great player you are! Ha, aha, ahaha.
Conspiracy Four: The Name’s Irving. Kyrie Irving.
No matter where he goes, Kyrie Irving seems to have problems. He never gels with teammates, he always butts heads with the media, things just never seem to go right for Irving. The spotlight most often gets shone on his own big conspiracy theory- that the earth is flat. If he interacts with his own social media at all, I highly doubt Irving goes a day without being reminded of it.
Most people say it was irresponsible for someone with Irving’s platform to push such a ridiculous idea and Irving himself has backed off the claim. Looking at Irving’s general demeanor, though, he often seems dejected, even defeated. What do those two things have in common? Simple, Agent Irving was trying to tell us the truth.
Imagine you’re a CIA operative doubling as an NBA superstar, and you come across a classified document. This document contains evidence that proves the world is flat. One day, on a podcast, you let it slip in an offhand comment, and suddenly you are a pariah. You can almost see the weight Irving carries on his shoulders as he shuffles into arenas. His burden of knowledge is one I do not envy.
Current NBA Conspiracy Five: The Where Whonows?
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This is the big one. The hot tamale. The grand enchilada. I have been researching this for years, and finally, I feel like I can go public. There is allegedly a team in the NBA known as the Portland Trail Blazers. We’ve all seen the logo, the highlights, the dramatic game winners. The question I have is, has anyone actually ever seen a Trail Blazers game?
These “games” usually tend to start about two hours after I go to sleep. Their star player, Damien Lillard, is a rapper who saw the opportunity for free publicity. Their best big man, Jusuf Nurkic, is an actor. His first big break came as an extra on Game of Thrones. I can’t find this “Portland” on Google Earth. If you do an image search, I’m pretty sure it’s just random pictures from Burning Man.
Face it people, the Portland Trail Blazers do not exist. The league, desperate for an even number of teams, set up this shell operation that just produces the occasional highlight with CGI. This calls my entire reality into question. Are the Charlotte Hornets real? Was Hasheem Thabeet real? Will I ever wear a belt again? Oh no, I’ve gone full Jayden Smith. Good luck staying sane, folks, but don’t forget, question everything!
