Episode One: Swooping Season
In our current collective situation, with new entertainment options beginning to dwindle and shows not able to film, it will be imperative to find something else to watch very soon. In an on-going series of articles I will bring the wild world to you, the bored and quarantined reader. I will scour the internet for the obscure global activities that have the potential to entertain and enthrall. Television executives at large, please take my ideas and produce glorious content with them. We can work out the royalty fees later. With all of that in mind dear reader, I present to you: Swooping Season.
An Avian Apocalypse Just a Few Months a Year…
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to live in an apocalyptic hellscape where large, predatory birds attack you for merely existing? Where going for a bike ride turns into an episode of avian Gladiators? Would you like to watch children and teachers alike scrambling across parking lots to their vehicles to escape the onslaught? If so, you’re in luck! Australia has a secret they’ve managed to keep from most of the world: Swooping Season.
We love #Australia but one thing we don’t miss is #Magpie season ? This shot of a #maggie swooping (not photoshopped!) was captured via a bike helmet #GoPro in Central #Queensland. #MagpieSeason pic.twitter.com/DhVWdiJApA
— Australia in the US ???? (@AusintheUS) August 28, 2018
The Heart of Swooping Season
At the heart of Swooping Season is the Australian (or Eurasian) Magpie, a very smart bird. They’re also fairly large, around 14.5 to 17 inches long (37 to 43 cm); with the birds having a 25.5 to 33.5 inch (65-85 cm) wingspan. An omnivore, they eat whatever the hell they can get their beak on. Learning tricks and using their intelligence, they find food where they need to; for instance flipping and disemboweling poisonous cane toads without falling victim to their poison.
Magpies make “friends” with people that provide them food. It’s a lot like when bullies are “friends” with the people they take lunch money from in grade school. That whole being smart thing? They’re one of only a handful of species of animal on the entire planet that can self-recognize. What does that mean? Gorillas, dolphins, and few others have the ability to look at themselves in the mirror and realize what is looking back at them is a reflection, not another animal. This represents a higher level of thinking on par with some human psychological stages. Magpies are one of those few other species.
Parliament Funkadelic
The Australian Magpies (especially males) are also highly territorial and protective of their young. A group, or “Parliament,” of magpies defend group territories, forming barrier “walls” in trees or perches. Their defenses are fearsome. Magpies have been known to gang up on and repel larger, more predatory raptors thinking magpies are easy prey. This particular aggressive trait leads us to our potential televised activities involving Swooping Season, and all the fun that could bring.
Magpie swooping season has started, last year I got merked on Bourke St. while I was laughing at a woman getting chased by one pic.twitter.com/rqfviSuEcJ
— DavePella (@DavePella) August 31, 2017
Most sources list the season as being in September and October; others, however, describe the potential and possibility of the season ranging from August through November. That’s the possibility of being aerially bombarded by beaked bastards while doing any outside activity four months of the year.
Those potentially dangerous activities are where the inspiration and entertainment happen. Australians are going to need to go about their daily lives as best as possible, even with the global pandemic. If school is in session the end of the school day could be magic.
Swooping Season End of the Day Dash
“The End of the Day Dash,” would be excellent survival television. Teachers and students lined up and prepared to sprint to their awaiting vehicles. Nature’s own version of the Hunger Games. Do the teachers save themselves and sacrifice the smaller, potentially slower children? Do the children use their lower height advantage and larger numbers like schools of fish; the kids darting around and confusing the magpie assailants? Will a hero teacher emerge to decimate the incoming magpie attackers? The potential drama and chance for heroics is too good to pass up.
The Swooping Season Cycling Championships
There is even greater potential for a Swooping Season sport, though. It would be packed with humor and drama and also be social-distancing friendly. Gather the world’s best cyclists, house them in social distance friendly places, and tell them to get ready. Their challenge? Bicycle races through heavily infested magpie territory. The worlds best cyclists, the world’s biggest bitch of a bird.
This slow-mo video of a magpie swooping a cyclist three times is both amazing and terrifying at the same time ??
— ABC Brisbane (@abcbrisbane) September 11, 2018
?: Luke Berkelmans pic.twitter.com/ZiGrENok9a
Like Mad Max but with Bicycles and Birds
Cyclists wouldn’t just have to worry about their training and conditioning to be able to speedily escape the gauntlet. The cycling outfits and anti-magpie defenses would also be a crucial and entertaining piece of the puzzle. A common tactic currently used by Australians during Swooping Season is to adorn a bicycle helmet with defenses. All manner of poking, prodding, floppy accoutrement are added to the helmet to discourage the avian assailants. Cyclists could have entire teams dedicated to creating the most effective, ridiculous headgear to deter attacks during their races while maintaining streamlined aerodynamics. Rules could be established to ensure a certain amount of length or “flop” to the helmet additions. This would ensure high levels of entertainment and protection.
they make special helmets called swooping season helmets pic.twitter.com/T3IxspbjqJ
— PREL (@ellieprorok) October 25, 2017
For the social-distancing aspect, the races could be held like ski competitions. Cyclists would go on individual timed runs on the same course. There wouldn’t be a way to guarantee magpie attacks during runs, but the course could be designed and placed in a way that highly encourages them. There is no way to guarantee the same course conditions or something like a moose won’t run out in front a skier on their runs, either. They’ve figured out it out enough for those events to be Olympic sports. The Swooping Season Cycling Championships, the Tour de Swoop, would be a ratings juggernaut.
You’re welcome.
I may be slowing going insane from the global pandemic and subsequent quarantine. That will just make for more entertaining posts. Follow me on Facebook and Twitter to enjoy the ramblings and get any new story updates. Read everything on Belly Up Sports, from entertainment to sports new, they’ve got you covered.
