NFL free agency week is here. With the salary cap dropping this year due to the endless pandemic, NFL free agency week promises to get busy as several top players are available. Here at Belly Up, we like to do things differently. Therefore, the following is an article looking at some of the alternative free agency fits for your team. I won’t bore you with outrageous stats or baseless hearsay about a players suitability in a Cover 3 formation. Where’s the fun in that? Instead, it’s time to break down NFL free agency, Belly Up Style!
Baltimore Ravens
Last season we saw Lamar Jackson leave a Monday night game to visit the toilet. The explosive quarterback gave new meaning to that word on his Monday night bathroom break. I don’t know if Jackson ate some day-old Taco Bell in Cleveland. One shouldn’t presume. However, nervous bellies are no joke. It could happen again. Jackson mightn’t come back; cramps hurt. Therefore, the Ravens must hire a Lamar Jackson stunt-double. You know, the knock-off version of Lamar Jackson. If Jackson is Macy’s, then Tyrod Taylor is the dime store, Lamar Jackson. If Jackson leaves the game, Taylor can come in and replace him badly. Finally, Taylor should adapt to Baltimore quite quickly. After all, he’s used to getting stabbed.
Buffalo Bills
Bills Mafia started a strange craze last year as they jumped through tables on fire. While their Mick Foley imitations were cute, I don’t foresee Dude Love joining Buffalo in a playing capacity any time soon. That’s not to say that there isn’t a suitable player out there. On the contrary, Tyus Bowser is the right man for Buffalo. The Bills will make the playoffs in 2021, which means that more tables will get destroyed in western New York. Tyus Bowser sounds like a wrestling name from the ’80s; he’s your man, Bills Mafia. Hell, if you guys win the Super Bowl, he could put Terry Bradshaw on the burning table and frog splash him.
Cincinnati Bengals
The Bengals are an odd franchise; even when they get a saviour to fall into their laps, the organization still manages to do the wrong thing. Cincinnati is a cursed franchise; the Queen City faithful deserve better. Unfortunately, their franchise doesn’t agree. Instead of signing an offensive lineman to protect Joe Burrow, the Bengals will go after a fullback. Think about it; a fullback is two players in one body. Who needs analytics? Not the Bengals. Anthony Sherman is the messiah that the Bengals need.
Cleveland Browns
After a fantastic 2020 season, the Browns should attack NFL free agency this week. It is a chance to sign some talented players. The perfect player for Cleveland is Roderick Johnson. Do I need to explain this? Why is Cleveland famous? Yep, Cleveland Steamers and Johnson’s definitely love Cleveland Steamers.
Denver Broncos
The Broncos play at Mile High Stadium; there is only one man for this team. A man who can see 100 miles high. The quarterback towers over everyone. If Denver signs him, he could actually eat the clouds. Plus, he’s worn orange before. We all know Drew Lock isn’t the answer. John Elway should get Mike Glennon. The team from the Mile High city desires a guy with an enormous neck.
Houston Texans
The Texans are a cult, and a college chaplain runs the team. That chaplain got taught by the devil, Bill Belichick. Now, the Texans are an offshoot branch practising the Patriot Way. In all likelihood, Houston will only hire players that fit into their cult. It’s a good thing Rex Burkhead is already bald and got converted. He’ll fit in well with the Texans.
Indianapolis Colts
Quinton Dunbar spent last year as part of a struggling Seahawks secondary. It is then understandable that his confidence is on the floor after a poor year. Indianapolis can be a rehab place for him. The Colts recently traded for turnover machine Carson Wentz. Dunbar could feast on interceptions in practice, so his confidence should rise due to Wentz’s awful quarterback play.
Jacksonville Jaguars
While Urban Meyer wants a player who fits his culture of high-character and impeccable behaviour, Trevor Lawrence needs a target. The only answer for Jacksonville is Antonio Brown. The former Steeler is everything Meyer desires. Brown is a team-friendly player who’s behavioural standards are of the highest order in Urban Meyer’s eyes. If this move happened, I fully expect the police to make a few visits to Meyer and Brown to thank them for their exemplary behaviour.
Kansas City Chiefs
The Chiefs released two of their best linemen last week. It feels like the team owns no interest in protecting Patrick Mahomes. That’s great. To exacerbate that idea, the Chiefs need the guard Rashaad Coward. The big linemen might possess the greatest name for an offensive lineman. With a name like that, one can guarantee that he won’t protect Mahomes. Expect more running for his life from Kermit, the Quarterback.
Las Vegas Raiders
Buster Skrine is a cornerback that can’t cover, can’t tackle and can’t run. Those three traits are the exact traits Jon Gruden desires in his cornerbacks. It is the only plausible explanation for why the Raiders secondary played so badly last year. I hope Skrine can diagnose some Spider 2 Y Banana.
Los Angeles Chargers
Before his mom gave him a haircut, Justin Herbert owned the best hair in the NFL. The Chargers need to find more players with the California beach-bum hair in NFL free agency. Willie Snead’s hair is the perfect fit. That two-tone shaggy haircut is the ideal foil for Justin Herbert. The two of them can form a dynamic hair tandem that hits the surf on Saturday’s, the field on Sunday’s and the nightclubs on Monday’s. Snead is the wingman Herbert needs.
Miami Dolphins
The Dolphins must find a player to protect Tua Tagovailoa. The perfect player is now on the market. Think about it; Dolphins are a type of fish. With that information, the biggest fish on the market is Eric Fisher. He could literally be Tua’s dad, so he is the perfect man to protect him from evil. There is one caveat if Miami wins a Super Bowl and decides to hold a boat parade, don’t push Fisher in the water. The actual fish might die.
New England Patriots
I’m not aware of anyone in the NFL free agency class that played Lacrosse or Field Hockey in college. That lack of information gives me nothing to say to Patriots fans regarding their team. NO WAIT! I just experienced a lightbulb moment. The only good thing about New England is the accent. We all love Good Wil Hunting for that reason. In addition to the accent, New England brought Cam Newton back for 2021. Newton isn’t the MVP quarterback of 2015 anymore. New England would want a capable backup because Brian Hoyer and Jared Stidham stink. On that account, New England is the best destination for Ryan Fitzpatrick. Fitzpatrick combines a brilliant beard with a dazzling fashion sense. Lastly, Fitzpatrick studied at Harvard. Feel free to read that in a Bostonian voice, something like the following; “Where’d you go to, because I went to fricking Haavad.”
New York Jets
The Jets own a ton of cap space to attack free agency. Sadly, New Jersey sucks. The Jets suck, plus those awful uniforms are ugly. The Jets’ perfect player is someone who they can overpay and is past their best. Emmanuel Sanders, come on down! He is the only man for the Jets to waste their cap money.
Pittsburgh Steelers
Jesse James can’t block and can’t catch. He is tailor-made to play tight-end for the Pittsburgh Steelers. Grandpa Ben deserves all the useless pass-catchers possible.
Tennesee Titans
Mike Vrabel is a sadistic man. The former Patriots player takes pleasure in his team, kicking the other team’s ass. Vrabel loves physical contact, as well as battering his players before a game. He’ll hope to sign Josh Norman. Not for the team’s benefit, for his amusement. Derrick Henry stiff-armed Norman into oblivion. Bringing Norman in allows Henry the chance to do that daily. Vrabel might pee his pants with laughter as he watches Henry run over Norman rep after rep.
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